I had lots of fun, a couple of days at holiday home with W, kids and in-laws. I organised an easter egg hunt at a friends party for a group of kids and had a great time. The host of the party said to me in reference to W that I have 'the patience of Job'. I didn't react or respond or ask her to elaborate but I've been thinking about that comment a lot. I assumed not much of our sitch was common knowledge outside us and in-laws but perhaps the in-laws have talked to others or maybe it's just obvious that we aren't acting the way we normally did.
I don't feel very patient, as you can tell from my posts, even if I act as if I am.
I got the kids an easter egg to give to W, a few days later they reciprocated with something that W had bought for them to give. This was a nice moment but I'll highlight it because something that I have changed is communication through the kids. So what I used to say for example, "Kids, tell mummy thank you for that lovely dinner." Now I just directly thank her for the lovely dinner. An easy habit to fall into when you spend so much time around the children and you are trying to teach them how to behave. Instead now I aim to just show by example.
But is this more of the same now? I can't just buy my wife a gift? I get it. Too much pressure...
Originally Posted by Valeska19
My guess is you will continue to dodge my comments.
I didn't think I was Val. I look forward to your comments. I thought about nothing else for two days after your last post. I've also been thinking a lot about how I post on here and it hasn't been representative of the positive way I live my life.
I thought a lot about the stages of grief. Wondering what depression what look like. I've caught myself on social media a lot over the last few weeks. Not good. Scrolling instead of living. A lot of the content the algorithms are sending me at the moment isn't good for a positive mindset either. I need to do better.
It's really hard being a mum and working. We talked about the possibility of her taking time off work to be a SAHM but she didn't want that and we went the childcare route but the stress of it all was probably the trigger for her crisis. Several times I pushed my wife to take more downtime but she puts too much pressure on herself, sees it as failure or selfish. Her avoidant tendencies getting the better of her. Not letting her regulate when she needs to and then stress builds up until one day it has to be released. Burnout. Difficult to see it with my wife because she always puts on such a strong facade. As much as I do, it won't be enough because I think she see's it a pressure for her to do more rather than an opportunity for her to relax. Competition rather than teamwork. This is where I need to communicate more and better.
When I talk about drive and purpose, its not about going and doing my own thing, it's about improving our home and creating a beautiful, functional environment for my family to live in. Improving our lives. With the young kids I've been spending much more time parenting and doing chores which I don't mind at all. But I have been guilty of using it as an excuse to procrastinate on other things I'd like to do. Then when I'm talking about plans with friends or family and they say "of course you don't have time at the moment" then W hears this and sees it as pressure. At least this is what I think.
Meanwhile I was being a fixer not being her supporter, cheerleader etc.
W never communicates any of this. It's just what I can figure out. I've had to retrace and piece it all together. There's more but I don't have time now.
Val, I agree with your comments on affairs. It's not how it should be but it is how it is. I know because I've lived it.
I'll distill your nuance into more black and white language. If your spouse/partner isn't happy with their life then they might have an affair. They might have other coping mechanisms but affairs seem to be a pretty common one. Good. So, now what to do about it?
