Grief and Gratitude, Grok - (A) Rise

[grok]

spring XW interactions - pt - this morning

Well, I was going to make sequential posts but... This morning was odd.

I was out the front door a little late to walk big dog before dawn at 6a and I noticed a vehicle at the end of our street a few houses down with headlights on. I squint and yep, that is XW's vehicle. ??? No reason to be here I know of. I walk the dog a mile plus. She is still there when I get back and D19 is departing for work. I depart for work at 6:55a and see she is still there but headlights are off. I'm curious now. When I get to work I check the security cameras. XW pulled into the driveway and parked about 20 minutes after I left. She then proceeded inside. S13 and D18 were still asleep.

I check the inside cameras.

XW is curled up on the comfy couch in the living room.

It looks like she is sleeping.

after all, that is where I put the new spring cozy throw blanket with bunnies and flowers...

(I saw a group chat message later that said "We need to leave for your senior thesis around 8 am. I am going to sleep for an hour outside the house so I won’t waste travel time.")

..... Background yesterday .....

Yesterday was the homeschool coop day of the week. I expected S13 and D18 to be dropped off at home as usual and their coop end of year/graduation ceremony starts at 6p. Instead XW picks up S13 and D18 afterwards and goes to D18's gymnastics. I only know because I check their location ... Since when I get home they are not there. D19 arrives home and there is ~30 minutes until we have to depart for the ceremony.

D19 and I look at each other, shrug and get ready, and depart so as to be there 15 minutes early. We are both thinking since there has been no communications otherwise, and she is currently transporting them, XW will be taking S13 and D18 to the event. Twenty minutes later, down the road with D19, I get a call from S13 asking where I was and when I was picking up S13 and D18. $%@#$%@#$^# I hear D18 in the background, panicky, "He didn't know. No one told Daddy... We'll call mom to come back to get us."

It turns out D18 had not been able to get anyone to cover her work shift at the gym. She did get XW to come back and transport them to the event. She was on time for her part. S13 missed half of his on-stage time. I remained polite but dark as she sat at our table. I gave the benediction -

Almighty God of heaven and of earth,

Today we celebrate our remarkable graduates

We have watched as they pursued wisdom, virtue, and knowledge with diligence and grace.

We thank You for their families, teachers, friends and the wider community who guided them with love and commitment.

As they stand at this this new beginning,
we ask Your blessings upon them.

Grant them courage as they walk into their future,

Grant them discernment in seeking truth,
and grant them compassion for others along the way.

May their hearts and minds be anchored in Your love so their lives are a reflection of you.

Guide their steps, Lord, as they carry your light into the world. May they be a blessing to others, as You have so blessed them.

In Your name, this we pray,

Amen.


Staying out of the gutter ... by letting go fear

Gutter - Lunatic Soul

in the shadow of my grief
I can hear whispered sounds
feel a cold breath on my skin
here they come
to assert their rights

the fear is what I need, what I need to believe
the fear is what I need, what I need to feel

and so i dragged myself
int this gutter of mine
where shades of prey
feed on my soul

g

Side story - I departed the event with S13, D18, and D19. When we got home the front door was wide open. Shock to all of us. Not sure who left it open and unlocked. Inside smelled bad. ... Big dog had throw up and diarrhea in his crate. Little dog had throw up in her crate. Both did more of the same when we took them for their night walk. Best guess is they were panicked about the open door and sounds. Late night crate cleaning and wet vacuuming. Then finalizing tax extensions also. So tired.