Thanks DnJ for stopping by. Appreciate your support.
While you were writing to me, I was reading some other threads and find myself in a state of understanding H again. Cycles are mysterious. Our mind can be so tricked. Fleeting.
I have been focused on healing my own pain and confronting it so much that I've lost sight of H and what he may be going through. I've focused on myself which is the guidance. And then...I log a journal entry to my thread. Thoughts on paper make for reflection. I followed my entry with a couple readings within this forum. And just like that I cycle back to a soft spot for H. Unconditional love is wild and perplexing.
Originally Posted by reposted by Job
From the original first posting:
I thought it would be nice to start a thread on exactly what my thoughts are on why the spouse tends to run away during their crisis. I have done a lot of reading and listening to my friend about his thoughts and feelings during his crisis. So here goes.
Generally the man/woman in crisis has had a terrible childhood. Their childhoods consisted of parents that fought, drank, did drugs, physically and mentally abused their children, emotionally distanced themselves from their children, but most of all abandoned their children. The more I read about the various "learned" personality traits, the more I'm convinced that as children they were mentally abused to the point of not believing in themselves at all. They felt dirty, unwanted, stupid, worthless, their self esteem was shot to hell. The parents had these children, but really didn't love them unconditionally. Most of the "crisis" children have ADHD, ADD, PA, BPD, NP traits. They suffer from bouts of depression, are very good at lying, picking fights, defensive, and tend to self-medicate with alcohol, drugs, sex and spending. As I've listened to my friend, I've come to realize that even though "crisis" children appear normal on the outside, they have a constant internal war going on inside of themselves. They have been damaged beyond repair at that young age and it will take many years for them to even feel safe w/another person, if then. They feel very threatened by anyone that comes near them emotionally and physically. They can't handle it because they fear that this person will hurt them or take away whatever it is that they hold near and dear in their lives. As the "crisis" child grows up, he/she tends to be a loner, stays to him/herself and doesn't trust anyone to enter their safety zone. They tend to not show their emotions except in bouts of anger and are very guarded about their thoughts and feelings. They tend to distance themselves from others. I call this the dance, because when a person gets close to the "crisis" individual, he/she will distance enough to not feel threatened. You the spouse will never know the real person that lives within the "crisis" person until the two personalities are merged into one. The person you know is actually the shell of a person and he/she is very good at masking what he/she is really thinking at all times. However, during the major growing times, i.e., 20's, 30, and 40's (mid-life especially), the "crisis" person has another problem. It's at this time that the "crisis" child is starting to raise its ugly head, becomes stronger and wants to voice it's opinions on how that person was mistreated as a child. It's at this time, that the splintering/splitting occurs. This is where the crisis child is doing internal battle with the crisis adult. The battle is a 24/7 emotional roller coaster for the adult. The pain, hurt and anger are there 24/7 w/o any relief. I've sat and listened to my friend speak of many things that happened in his childhood and to hear the hurt and anguish in his voice makes me want to cry for him. It is at this time when the emotional pain becomes so great that the adult can't handle any other stress in his/her life. This person doesn't trust the spouse enough to speak about the turmoil inside. They feel that the spouse will not accept them for who they are right at this moment. Why? Because that person has now entered mlc and will be there for a while. That person knows that something is terribly wrong and knows that he/she must leave in order to heal those long ago hurts. If you recall, as children, when we were scared or punished, we all wanted to run away. Remember those times? Well, this is what is happening to your mlcer. They are very scared and very hurt and they only thing that they know how to do is run, as he "crisis" child comes on the scene. The best thing that this person can do for himself/herself is to go see their parents, sit down and actually talk to their parents about how they perceived their childhood and tell the parents just how hurt and angry they are for how they were mistreated. If they don't do this, it will take longer for them to heal.
As spouses and friends of the mlcers, we must always keep in mind that they are in a very fragile state when the "crisis" child gains control. They are so confused and hurt. The anger is not at you, but at what life has dished out to them. It's the hurt coming out and it's really a delayed reaction to how they were mistreated as children. We have to remember to treat them kindly and with compassion during this time. Why? Because this could have happened to you. During the "crisis" child stage, you will be viewed as the mother/father authority figure, therefore you are the one that gets the brunt of what is happening. They are afraid to speak to their parents for fear of what the parents will do to them. Who better than us to get the emotional flack? They know we love them, they just don't know how to deal with the emotional pain that goes so very deep. Folks, I've had many long conversations w/my friend and I can tell you, he is suffering terribly from his "crisis" childhood. Until he resolves his issues and speaks to his father, he will continue to run and never heal.
I hope that this will help some of you better understand what is happening. I'd welcome all of your comments. As time goes by, I'll post more of my thoughts and observations. Mlc is not a pretty sight by any means, especially if the mlcer is willing to sit down and speak to you about how he/she is feeling. That's why it is so very important to be a friend during the crisis. You will learn so much more about what is going on. Keep the expectations to zero and I feel very strongly that your spouse's "crisis" child will speak to you. Listen carefully, sift through the garbage coming out of their mouths and the answers are all there. It's not about you, but about them and how they were mistreated as children.
As I read this (again), I'm reminded of a moment in my convo with H last weekend that I hadn't given any thought to. And, now find it interesting and it serves as a reminder of what crisis is. Your response to me supports the notion that these are deep wounds from childhood. A journey he must take on his own.
Anyway...
Last weekend, when we were on the topic of his family calling me all the time....and that he doesn't talk to his family, I specifically asked if he has talked with his dad. Not sure what prompted me to dig here. H responded with a simple word, 'no' but his body language shifted. H appeared agitated and perplexed that he would talk to his dad. At the time, it caught my attention enough that I probed a bit more on dad's relationship before letting it go.
M: Did you have a falling out? H: No M: Are you upset with dad? Did he do something? H: No M: Is dad upset with you? H: No M: Ok
Topic shifted. I gave it little to no additional thought.
Now I sit here and connect a couple dots. Especially after reading through the above previously posted entry. Reminders are helpful.
I remember that after H's mom died, I would ask H if he had talked with dad. He would always say 'no'. H didn't seem to have an interest in staying connected with dad. I remember mentioning how lonely dad must be without his mom. FB posts from H's dad reinforced his sadness/loneliness. H wouldn't say much, in true avoidant style. At the time, I didn't understand but also didn't make an effort to understand or probe. I would merely and periodically raise the idea of checking on dad. Sometimes he'd say that he'd call him during the day. Later, I'd ask if he did and he hadn't, "but I'll call him tomorrow. I had a busy day today." Throughout the 4 years or so that I'd periodically raise the topic, he may have called dad a couple of times (honestly now wonder if he really did call him at all) and he wouldn't have much to report. "Dad is fine." They interacted on holidays and all seemed normal. Again, hindsight, I realize that he didn't see dad for father's day since mom's passing. We would visit my dad and we would celebrate H. No call nor visit to his own dad on Father's day. Odd to me. H's dad got a text for father's day. hmmmm At the time, H would say that he wasn't driving a couple hours to see dad. OK, I'd say. Ultimately his choice. Different than how I treat my dad, but that's my choice. H always came along for the ride to see my dad.
Also interesting....After H's mom died, H'd dad asked us for permission to date a woman within a year or so of mom's passing. This may not have sat well with H, but in hindsight H didn't seem to have much care for dad even before that. I remember being across the table and comforting his dad and my words, "Do what makes you happy. You don't need my permission." On the way home I told H that I felt for his dad. "He's so lonely. He's hurting and needs a companion." Don't remember that H responded to any of that. Today, this makes me pause. What in the world may dad have done through the years? I shrug my shoulders and move onto my day...
The above entry suggests that if H would talk it out with dad, he may resolve internal struggles. Sadly, H's dad is weak and fighting a number of illnesses. H's time may elapse without the convo happening. Ouch
I know that loving him more hasn't been the answer. Trying harder to get him to open up hasn't rendered trust in me. So, I step back. When he's ready to receive my love, I hope to be here to give it to him. I guess I still have hope in the someday.
Originally Posted by DnJ
It’s more the forest from the trees. Pull your perspective back. Make it wider. With H is it helping or enabling him?
Big picture help for H requires him feeling his consequences and him growing up from them. Big picturing helping is allowing him to do so.
This harkens way back to not manipulating his journey. When one has a hand in something they take it on. You really don’t want to take on the responsible for his life choices/outcomes. H will, and is, continuing to make poor choices. You see it.
Thanks for the reminder. I've lost so much focus of H that his journey has been lost on me.
Originally Posted by DnJ
H knows you love him, want him back, want your family back and intact. You’ve told him. Yet, he chooses differently.
H knows I love him - that is true. Want him back? Want family back and intact? Not so sure. I haven't shared this with him in well over a year. And last weekend's "Our marriage is dead" comment may have actually told him otherwise. I'm open to your challenge here and am curious if you can? Could H actually believe that I want him back?
Originally Posted by DnJ
Telling H made it real. Speaking it out loud made it real. You told him and told yourself.
Letting go of bargaining is weird. You’re letting go of the “old” and embracing the “new”. Thus, entry to depression and towards acceptance.
DnJ, I'm sorry you had to heal from betrayal to become the wise man you offer me today. Hugs
