Still detaching and embracing my new normal

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

Watching someone hurt from afar and not help isn't in my DNA. Is that really more attractive in a human?. And becoming that person to save or lose the marriage is not how I look at it. I would offer help to a stranger in tears never mind the man I share 2 children with.

It’s more the forest from the trees. Pull your perspective back. Make it wider. With H is it helping or enabling him?

Big picture help for H requires him feeling his consequences and him growing up from them. Big picturing helping is allowing him to do so.

This harkens way back to not manipulating his journey. When one has a hand in something they take it on. You really don’t want to take on the responsible for his life choices/outcomes. H will, and is, continuing to make poor choices. You see it.

It's unfathomable for me to think that H living in a world of hurt for this long is chosen over making a change. When your actions bring this much loss and pain, how foggy are things that you can't open your eyes to a better path. Whether it's a path with or without me. I'm not expecting a specific outcome. But I will say, if stopping over for a couple hours brings H to experience warmth and love, how do you not flock to that world as a way to run from your current choices? How his logical so far removed from his brain?

H is being driven by emotions. He is in crisis, and cannot escape it until he walks his path.

Letting him feel his choices is not done out of malice or vengeance. It’s actually compassion, a kindness, it’s done out of love. You are not actively seeking out things to do to make H’s life difficult. You are simply allowing him his right to choose.

H knows you love him, want him back, want your family back and intact. You’ve told him. Yet, he chooses differently.

Let go.

Give him to God.

Let the man upstairs work on H.

H may or may not pay for 1/2 the taxes he offered to drop off. I'd rather pay his share than to reach out to the shell I saw last weekend.

Hold H accountable. Let him feel his choices. Not enable his teenage no responsibilities lifestyle.

How? Not by your hand. Pay your portion and let the IRS contact H for his. You might want to speak to your L or a financial advisor. Document what you paid and what H owes. If possible. Not sure of your locale’s laws.

I've asked myself why I said that. I think I wanted to rub his face in what he lost; fuel his fire. Not to help him stay confused/broken. Not to get him back. Not to move a needle. Perhaps as a softer alternative to what I'd really like to say to him.

Telling H made it real. Speaking it out loud made it real. You told him and told yourself.

Letting go of bargaining is weird. You’re letting go of the “old” and embracing the “new”. Thus, entry to depression and towards acceptance.

I'm struggling to like H. I wish I could stop loving him. Saving my marriage may or may not be possible.

You can love H and not like him. Or maybe more accurately, not like his behaviours.

I am trying to heal from the betrayal.

(((Hugs)))

Betrayal is the worst thing a person can do to another person.

Betrayal’s wounds are deep and heal very slowly. The pain from such actions from one whom we loved is indescribable.

It’s difficult, and IMHO important, to not harden over. Keep your heart soft and squishy.


I know it hurts. Do take heart, you are doing very well. Although it likely doesn’t feel it you are making some major steps here.

D