Still detaching and embracing my new normal

[MamaG]

I'm still learning to sit back and allow him to experience his own consequences. I want to be able to see him without feeling a desire to fix him. Let him wrestle with his own story. Filling the emotional moments with an offered hug and rescue is my old pattern.

If you need to say anything due to being extremely emotional you can fall back on "I'm learning to accept your decisions about us. Some days are harder than others". That's your truth. And that's the reality of the situation. And that keeps the ball where it should be... in his court.

Using the offered script feels like a better option and I'll try remembering it in the moment. I want this only because I'm told this will allow him to grow. As for who I am as a person and want to be, I'm not sure this is it.

Watching someone hurt from afar and not help isn't in my DNA. Is that really more attractive in a human?. And becoming that person to save or lose the marriage is not how I look at it. I would offer help to a stranger in tears never mind the man I share 2 children with.

I've learned to not chase him. This I love to have gained. I don't call. I don't text. I don't reach out to H. Unless there is a business need. H feels that void. H doesn't have me part-time never mind full-time. I won't be a back-burner choice. I know my worth and am disappointed that he lost sight of it. Growing old together was his dream. Said often. To many. With pride.

I don't take any interest in the OW; she gets no air. Sometimes this part surprises me and I ask myself if I'm suppressing those thoughts or if I just really don't care to think about her. It hurts A LOT to know that he is capable of turning to another person. This I feel daily and sometimes hourly. This is where I hold him accountable and responsible for decisions he made. And likely continues to make. This is where my pain lies. I was loyal. I sacrificed my life to take care of our family. I was the motor and lost myself. And, the reward - betrayal. Wrapping my head around this being an option. An option the H I believed him chose. I hope to heal someday. This weight is heavy.

Seeing through this month presents our D's bday (dinner), Easter, our anniversary, his mom's death anniversary. These events, too, weigh heavy on my heart. Oh, and May, comes with more of these types of events.

So, I look forward to June when D moves back home. I need to be through this heavy emotional window and collect myself by then. She doesn't see this side of me. She may suspect but she doesn't need to see it. And, I know that'll bring on challenges of their own. (I remember moving back home after being away at school for 4 years!)

And yet - this is really good opportunity for you to see this dysfunctional dynamic you have - lead and follow.

Until I journaled it, the concept of 'H follows my lead' hadn't been a thought. And then you not only caught it, but highlighted it. Is this typical? Bc they've lost themselves and have just lived someone else's life, dreams, goals?

He gives you the lead because he is too uncomfortable to take it - really. That's probably what the acting out is. False leading, false masculinity... that is much easier than taking responsibility and accountability. He's confused on who to be, how to be... and MG - there is not a d@mn thing you can do about it.

It's unfathomable for me to think that H living in a world of hurt for this long is chosen over making a change. When your actions bring this much loss and pain, how foggy are things that you can't open your eyes to a better path. Whether it's a path with or without me. I'm not expecting a specific outcome. But I will say, if stopping over for a couple hours brings H to experience warmth and love, how do you not flock to that world as a way to run from your current choices? How his logical so far removed from his brain?

V, I trust you that there isn't anything I can do. But, can I ask you to elaborate more on your comment? As I said, it's unfathomable to me.

So what do you do? You create a new and more functional dynamic. One that got lost over the years due to frustration, fear, survival, trauma, etc. etc. You hand the responsibility of your H back to him. That is in no way meaning you put your ring back on or don't move forward with accepting his decision. But below are some specific ways you could hand it back to him.

Ring isn't on.

Whatever fears you have around changing this behavior. It's time to confront.

Wish I knew.

No need to tell him how great or not great you are doing. Why? Because it doesn't move the needle. At this point - it just becomes fuel for his fire to stay confused or broken. Don't give it to him.

I've asked myself why I said that. I think I wanted to rub his face in what he lost; fuel his fire. Not to help him stay confused/broken. Not to get him back. Not to move a needle. Perhaps as an softer alternative to what I'd really like to say to him. I'm struggling to like H. I wish I could stop loving him. Saving my marriage may or may not be possible.

I am trying to heal from the betrayal. I put on a front for my kids and when asked how to address H, I tell them to do what their heart wants to do. And, I remind them that H is there father and loves them very much.

If you're wondering, H didn't text nor stop by yesterday. I didn't expect him to based on the past. H may or may not pay for 1/2 the taxes he offered to drop off. I'd rather pay his share than to reach out to the shell I saw last weekend.