Holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, and other special days are difficult. Also, these events usually stir up one’s spouse.
Don’t be surprised if H appears to engaging in family time, or more conversations, etc. Remember, he is emotionally driven, he wants to feel that old familiar family time and doesn’t want to feel like the bad guy. It’s quite confusion and an LBS can get pretty mixed up with such mixed signals.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
What I don’t get is why he cares how I am. “You okay” that ones stopped a little. The concern over getting a call from my gym while I was there. At a soccer game and he’s concerned that I’m cold. Is that him just getting over his guilt?
Most do feel guilty and do try to assuage their feelings. (Again, not wanting to be the bad guy.) The form their effort takes varies. Know that this time of guilty feeling is short term and rather tenuous. Don’t read too much in it.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
I read somewhere to do something you can control first thing in the morning. Make your bed. So that’s what I do, at least my side. I’ve also started showering first thing. I know that sounds silly but before I would get it done right before I would have to for the day.
Absolutely!
Yes, making your bed first thing sets your day up in your manner. Starts you off on the right foot.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
This has been so disheartening. I was having trouble with work right before BD and he offered to help me look around for a new job. Did he really want to “help” or just want to find a job where I could make more money.
Or both?
Or neither?
Does it matter?
Do you want a different job? If yes, then do so. If no, then don’t.
As for H’s motives, one cannot know the truth of someone else. However, plenty of these folks’ intentions are for self interest; and yes a spouse with better income does have a financial benefit in a divorce.
Again, it matters not. Do for you.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
I told him I had a lawyer I was going to use to help me through mitigation. He couldn’t figure out why. Well, I don’t know what I don’t know and I don’t trust myself signing something that will affect my life this much without help. He says well it’s my life too. By then I knew better, so I told him he could get his own lawyer then too. He says but it’s just so expensive. Yep dude, it is. You want this not me. I didn’t say that I just agreed. Yes, it will be expensive.
- I’m don’t know how serious in mitigation/negotiation you two are; or how far along the process you are. However, some suggestions/advice:
- This is the business side of this stuff. Treat is as so. Treat it as a business deal gone sideways; which it is.
- Do not share information with H. If he wants to blab and tell you things, listen. You, however, be silent.
- As mentioned, H is presently within a time of feeling guilty and will try to assuage it. Lots of these folks will make better deals during this period. It doesn’t last for very long.
- Definitely do not sign anything before your lawyer looks it over. (Well done!)
- Also, good for you having your own lawyer. Do not have a shared lawyer. Having your own L, means they are fully looking after your interests. And for most people this is the biggest financial decision of their life.
- Know your priorities and wants. What you are willing to let go, what you don’t really care about, and what you are willing to fight tooth and nail for. Do not share this with H!
- Do not presume H’s list of wants and priorities. Let him tell you. Let him lead the negotiating. You will likely be surprised at what he values. Lots of these folks are willing to forgo money/assets/custody to get their way. In that vein, if you bring something up, if it’s not their idea, they usually fight it. Especially an MLCer. Heck, they fight against their own proposals.
H is on his path. Do not place boulders in his way, the faster he walks it, the faster he is done. Also, don’t pave his path in gold either.
Originally Posted by bkerchik
Such a roller coaster!!!
I thought I had a good couple days DB’ing. Treating him like a roommate, only engaging when engaged or about the D’s. And one little comment asking me if I’ve told a certain friend what’s going on and I lose after he’s left for the night for band practice. I know this is a marathon, but sometimes I just want it to be better now. And sometimes I think it never will be better. I’m really concerned about Easter.
Yes, it’s a rollercoaster for a bit. Keep focusing on you and the daughters; and step off the coaster for a while.
Yes, this is a marathon, not a sprint.
What is concerning you about Easter? (What are you fearing?)
H being there? H not being there? A big argument at the table? Your emotions boiling over? Having to prepare the meal? And so on…
Most stuff we fear, never comes to pass. And for that which does, it is not longer a fear, rather it becomes a problem to work through.
Fear lives in the possibilities, live in the future. We don’t fear something that is currently happening. (Or has happened.) We fear what might happen. And that, only lives in our mind. Let go your fear. Live in the present and let the unknown and unwritten future unfurl on its time.
You will make it through Easter. And you will control what you can control: your thoughts, actions, and reactions.
