I won't answer everything. As usual, your post has a lot to be digested and thought about.
I guess this is my place to vent. I know it seems a bit negative sometimes. I defend W and talk her up to people we know but as you can see, I still have some resentment that is hard to drop, it comes out here where it's anonymous.
The form factor here doesn't really allow for the full picture either. It's a shame we can't sit and talk for a couple of hours but that's what IC is for. Maybe I should take longer over my posts but time is short these days, and because of that I appreciate you and others posting back.
I've read 5LL, it was one of the first books I got after BD. I think wifes LLs are gifts actually, she was always great at leaving little gifts and notes and cards. Words of affirmation too - this is one I could do better on, and so much comes down to the way things are said as well. I'll read it again now I'm in a different place emotionally.
I can't really sit down with W at the moment and go through the LL questionnaire though - not very DB.
I know not all women are the same. My wife is a great woman which is why i married her. There are lots of other women with very different personalities who i wouldnt be attracted to. Myself and W took personality tests for fun once and we came up exactly opposite. This actually worried W but I liked the differences. Opposites attract like you say. But there are differences, on average, between men and women. A lot of what I read about these can be applied to my sitch. I take what I think applies and disregard what doesn't.
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Also stop trying to be nice if you are looking for appreciate. That's called manipulation
This. The covert contract. At the heart of nice guy syndrome. And a difficult habit to drop - it comes from learned childhood patterns. IF I do this THEN I'll get the love I seek. It leads one to give more of oneself away over the course of a relationship thinking you'll eventually get the love youre missing. I've been guilty of this.
The talk of mission, purpose. That is how to get away from the manipulation. Fill your own cup, build your own life, love yourself then you have more love to give to others amd you dont need as much coming back. I'm seeing this work for me. This is a huge part of the reason I can drop the criticism, drop the resentment (im getting there - an affair builds some resentment that is hard to drop). I'm still parenting as much, I'm still doing chores as much but I'm not letting them be an excuse not to live those other parts of my life.
I'm working under the advice that now is not the time for R talks or gifts or nice words. Now is the time to be the most attractive, strong, confident version of me. Someone you wouldn't leave. This is why I'm talking more about mission, purpose and mojo. If there comes a time for reconciliation then you'll likely find me on here talking about LLs etc.
I dont think I'm lazy or that im not looking inward. I've read a lot. This site, books, audio books, I'm taking the stuff that resonates the most. I think it is DB. Maybe just not what you are expecting?
I get what you are asking me to do. I'm not saying I've found all the answers yet but I am looking inward. I am levelling up. Am I more me-focused than W-focused at the moment? Yes I'd have to admit that.
