As I finished up ScottB's threads, I connected comments found there with my occasional and re-occurring thoughts of self-blame.
Originally Posted by BL42
Wrestling with "difference between "not doing anything wrong", which is never the case because no one is perfect, and "not being the one ultimately responsible" (I.e., "it's not about "you")
In regards to the former we have all made mistakes, acted poorly, could've handled situations differently. This is the case for both the LBSs and the WAWs! To that point, it's healthy to reflect on where you could've done better, work on self improvement, and correct those behaviors in the future. That process will make you a better man.
However, in regards to the latter, unless you had major issues (physical abuse, drug addiction, gambling problems...etc.) there's a good chance that ultimately it is not "about you" and your ExW has deeper issues preventing her from being willing to work on the issues, leading her to an affair to get the quick fix of feeling better about herself, and putting a band aid on her pain. I've heard the "it's not about you" from IC, family, and others on this board and while it's something I go back and forth on at times, ultimately I think they're right.
Point is...YES, absolutely reflect on how you can do better in the future, but NO, do not let the "what could I have done better / how could I have fixed this" allow you to put the full burden of the divorce on your back. Thornton, LH, and SteveLW are right when they say 1) you were willing to work on marriage whereas she was not, 2) it's possible (even likely) that is is about her and not you, and 3) she could've strayed even if you were the perfect husband.
Not to go too much against Scottie B and BL42 because I have agreed with them many times.
I agree that the mere choice of an affair as a coping mechanism is not about you. It's theirs.
However to say you did not play a part in the story or perhaps aren't the cause of that pain... I'm not so sure.
Lots of evidence out there suggest affairs are symptoms of a marriage breakdown in many cases.
Also let's be honest... there were problems well before the affair happened. Now was the LBS in tune with it or not - matters. Perhaps they didn't see it as a problem. Perhaps they didn't acknowledge how big of a problem it was.
Perhaps being willing to work on the marriage - now when on the brink of losing it (or lost it) is too late.
And finally - no one is perfect.
No one should take all the blame... but most in this world don't take the appropriate amount either.
Emotional intelligence and awareness is a skill learned... unfortunately not one taught to us in school.
P.S. Keep up the good work G. You speak firm yet kind about your XW in all of this. High roads are harder but never regrettable.
Last edited by Valeska19; 04/11/2506:33 PM.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
