You know the drill...

[Valeska19]

Any thoughts?

I'm not sure if you are asking just Boat but I'm going to chime in here with some heavy 2x4s. My guess is you will continue to dodge my comments. Based on your words - you seem to see women as less than. You certainly have assigned assumptions, roles, and responsibilities to them. No?

Got lost in the weeds of day to day parenting, cleaning the house etc. W needs help with all that too - I know this - but not at the expense of mission, drive and purpose. I got a bit lost in 'fixing' W's stress and gaining her approval.

There it is again... the word "help" in regards to parenting and cleaning of the house. You both work. This is a responsibility you SHARE. It's also not her place to take on more of the load so you can make sure you don't lose your purpose and drive. You can certainly ask for her support but you need to figure out the balance without putting MORE on her.

The sooner you can cut the word "help"- the better. It could drastically effect your mindset. How? It takes responsibility and blame from your wife and puts you in charge of your own story.

"I need to figure out how to raise my children and still have a purpose outside of them".

See how that's not about your wife at all??

I got myself into a scarcity mindset I think. Which was partly good - I'm disciplined with money and treats, healthy food, exercise and stuff. I'm more stoic, W is more hedonistic. So while I can find joy in the smaller everyday moments, having a good routine, being present with the kids and stuff, W needs more novelty, romance and distraction (probably a lot of women are like this). I'm tapping into my abundance mindset more and more.

"Alot of women are probably like this". Assumption. Let's replace that with education. People are attracted to their opposites. Doesn't matter the gender or if its a homo or hetero relationship. We look for things that we don't possess. It's rare that you will find two frugal people in a relationship. Most of the time you have the squirrel and the spender. The spender helps the squirrel splurge. The squirrel helps the spender save. It's a balance but both parties are attracted to what they wish they could be more of.

Also - have you read the 5 love languages? Not all women like gifts. And seriously WTH with the saying that women like distractions. Um - have you seen the crisis men are having with video games? Any one can be victim to spending too much time unfocused and avoidant from their lives.

So the real questions are: How much did you participate in balancing out and embracing those differences between you two? And what is your wife's love language and have you been loving her in the way that fills her cup?

A big thing for W is criticism, she doesn't handle it well and even takes normal feedback or observations as personal criticism sometimes. I've known this for a long time (without realising it was closely related to avoidants) and it led me to bite my tongue so many times (but with a bit of resentment building up in me). I no longer criticise at all - just praise and gratitude or STFU. Reading Way of the Superior Man has helped me change my mindset on this.

I'm not surprised that your wife doesn't like your criticism. Especially when you have expressed to us that you think your way is better and more efficient. I'm sure that comes across in your critique.

Not liking criticism doesn't make someone avoidant. It makes her human. Have you heard of the Gottman's 4 Horsemen? Criticism is on the list.

Perhaps the work is on figuring out why you build resentment whenever you don't get to tell your wife what she is doing wrong? Or when she doesn't do it YOUR way.

I know W has complained to in-laws more than she did to me. Maybe I should get them to make a list of all complaints they heard and see if there is anything else there that realistically needs changing?.

Ugh... this is a lazy response. And also a big problem because it means you aren't spending the time being in tune with your wife. Listening to her verbal and non verbal cues.

I really don't want to get caught up in taking all the fault. I see a lot online of this attitude that if the H cheats he a POS, if the W cheats it must be because H is a POS. I don't buy it. BUT I do like to have agency and responsibility for my own life and my destiny in my own hands.

Um. Truth bomb. You haven't really taken any fault. Your stance has been and continues to be "I'm too much of a nice guy - that's my problem"

Personally - I don't see that. Alot of nice guys who have come to this board don't actually know they are one. They think they are just being super loving and kind and then we have to reel them back in. They are pushovers.

You seem nice and then when you don't get the reaction you want - you get upset.

Also it's maybe a bit of golden cage syndrome, not that we are really wealthy but we probably have a higher quality of life than W grew up with and a lot of that is down to me. Example - when she realised I paid the full yearly amount for the holiday home she looked at me like I took a dump on the doorstep, not like I had done something good and that should be appreciated. I wasn't asking for appreciation - I was proud to do this for my family, but some appreciation would be nice.

Look... I had a very successful career. I made most of the money. I credit alot of that - to my partner. She encouraged me to take career chances. Let me know it was going to be okay and not to worry. She picked up around the house extra when I had to put in long hours for that promotion. She used to drive me to work when I was tired. It was a TEAM effort.

So either - you are saying your wife wasn't a teammate - or you haven't learn to appreciate what she truly brings to the table.

Also stop trying to be nice if you are looking for appreciate. That's called manipulation.

Finally and this was the part I was going to put on Grok's page to his response.

Affairs are often symptoms of the breakdown of a marriage. There is a disconnect created and rather than address it - it grows and then people look outside of the marriage what they should have been getting inside of it. Sometimes - people look for things that their spouse, no matter hard they try, can't fulfill. Other times - the spouse totally can provide that need but chooses not to because of their own reasons and trauma.

Whatever the reason - it's clearly not a healthy coping mechanism and I don't agree it should ever be an acceptable avenue to take.

However life is not black and white - and so both can exist. It can be a wrong choice - and it can be understood the reasoning behind it. People think acceptance is saying it's okay. Not true - but denying their reason isn't gonna help either.

Since this is a pro-marriage site - your job is to see what's true in regards to your own marriage and then do your best to clean your side of the fence.

I'm just not seeing that from you Dyna. Perhaps it's in the way you express yourself. Perhaps it's the words you use.

But all I'm getting from you is anger, a need to be right, and that your biggest problem is that you are "too good". None of this will help save your marriage. None of this will help save you.

You need to dig deeper.