I want to be careful with this question because I now know my default pattern is to think i'm not good enough, give more, sacrifice more - nice guy stuff. I don't want to continue with all that. Not just because it isn't attractive, it also wasn't helping my happiness and self-esteem.
W said at BD she can't fault me. I think I'm too squeaky clean - trying too hard to be perfect but at the same time lost sight of my purpose, vision, mission. Got lost in the weeds of day to day parenting, cleaning the house etc. W needs help with all that too - I know this - but not at the expense of mission, drive and purpose. I got a bit lost in 'fixing' W's stress and gaining her approval.
We became a bit fused, enmeshed, however you want to say it. Not enough polarity. I need to get my mojo back and I have to a large extent.
I got myself into a scarcity mindset I think. Which was partly good - I'm disciplined with money and treats, healthy food, exercise and stuff. I'm more stoic, W is more hedonistic. So while I can find joy in the smaller everyday moments, having a good routine, being present with the kids and stuff, W needs more novelty, romance and distraction (probably a lot of women are like this). I'm tapping into my abundance mindset more and more.
A big thing for W is criticism, she doesn't handle it well and even takes normal feedback or observations as personal criticism sometimes. I've known this for a long time (without realising it was closely related to avoidants) and it led me to bite my tongue so many times (but with a bit of resentment building up in me). I no longer criticise at all - just praise and gratitude or STFU. Reading Way of the Superior Man has helped me change my mindset on this.
I know W has complained to in-laws more than she did to me. Maybe I should get them to make a list of all complaints they heard and see if there is anything else there that realistically needs changing?
I also think there is an element of overproviding. I always thought this was me being a good dad and husband but perhaps with W leaning towards avoidant, me providing things can be seen as pressure. Like she's indebted to me, relies on me or I'm expecting her to repay it with love. It's a threat to her independence.
Also it's maybe a bit of golden cage syndrome, not that we are really wealthy but we probably have a higher quality of life than W grew up with and a lot of that is down to me. Example - when she realised I paid the full yearly amount for the holiday home she looked at me like I took a dump on the doorstep, not like I had done something good and that should be appreciated. I wasn't asking for appreciation - I was proud to do this for my family, but some appreciation would be nice.
I'm more spontaneous. W likes things to be planned. I wasn't planning things in advance enough, getting the babysitters organised, taking care of all the little details. No date nights now so I don't know how to rectify this - perhaps more elaborate and planned family days out?
All this is probably good news - it means I can be a bit more selfish. A bit more free. As long as I am more targetted and deliberate with the quality time I do spend in my relationships, I just need to focus more GALing outside the R. Be more the main character in my own life!
I really don't want to get caught up in taking all the fault. I see a lot online of this attitude that if the H cheats he a POS, if the W cheats it must be because H is a POS. I don't buy it. BUT I do like to have agency and responsibility for my own life and my destiny in my own hands.
