As I finished up ScottB's threads, I connected comments found there with my occasional and re-occurring thoughts of self-blame.
Originally Posted by BL42
Wrestling with "difference between "not doing anything wrong", which is never the case because no one is perfect, and "not being the one ultimately responsible" (I.e., "it's not about "you")
In regards to the former we have all made mistakes, acted poorly, could've handled situations differently. This is the case for both the LBSs and the WAWs! To that point, it's healthy to reflect on where you could've done better, work on self improvement, and correct those behaviors in the future. That process will make you a better man.
However, in regards to the latter, unless you had major issues (physical abuse, drug addiction, gambling problems...etc.) there's a good chance that ultimately it is not "about you" and your ExW has deeper issues preventing her from being willing to work on the issues, leading her to an affair to get the quick fix of feeling better about herself, and putting a band aid on her pain. I've heard the "it's not about you" from IC, family, and others on this board and while it's something I go back and forth on at times, ultimately I think they're right.
Point is...YES, absolutely reflect on how you can do better in the future, but NO, do not let the "what could I have done better / how could I have fixed this" allow you to put the full burden of the divorce on your back. Thornton, LH, and SteveLW are right when they say 1) you were willing to work on marriage whereas she was not, 2) it's possible (even likely) that is is about her and not you, and 3) she could've strayed even if you were the perfect husband.
The Songs of Distant Earth is by Mike Oldfield, released on 21 November 1994. It is a concept album based on the 1986 science fiction novel The Songs of Distant Earth by Arthur C. Clarke... based upon his 1958 short story of the same title. The story is set in the 39th century and depicts the journey of the spaceship Magellan as it carries a large group of colonists in suspended animation to a distant planet after Earth's sun goes nova. En route, it has to stop for repairs at the planet Thalassa, which was colonised 700 years earlier but the colonists there lost contact with Earth for the past couple of centuries. The story delves into the cultural and emotional impact of the distant Earth’s demise on both sets of colonists, and how humans from two different worlds and societies interact with each other.
The novel explores apocalyptic, atheistic, and utopian ideas, as well as the effects of long-term interstellar travel, high technology, and extra-terrestrial life. Additional themes include human survival, adaptation, and the challenges of starting anew on an alien world.
Let There be Light - Mike Oldfield from The Songs Of Distant Earth
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, Let there be light and there was light. And God saw the light, that it was good.
Burning... Melting... Dissolving...
Animus. Fultus. Salus.
...and God said Let there be Light
g
***The first part is an extract spoken by Lunar Module Pilot Wiiliam Anders, from the Apollo 8 crew live television broadcast, made when the first manned mission to the moon entered lunar orbit on Christmas Eve, December 24th, 1968.
... to reflect on the nature of light, both literally and metaphorically, as a symbol of hope and knowledge... words like "Burning," "Melting," and "Dissolving," as capturing the process of change and transformation... evoke sensations and imagery that imply an intense, even chaotic, experience... "Animus" refers to the spirit or soul, "Fultus" suggests support or sustenance, and "Salus" is associated with health and well-being. Together, they suggest that the essence of life and its many facets hang in a delicate balance, waiting for an illumination that can guide them.***
H:55 XW:50 D19, D18, S13 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
