Thanks for checking in Valeska19. Lots has happened. I knew this would be the case - lots of stuff in the first half of the year. Our lives are tethered. I predict you'll tell me that I'm engaging too much.
I find myself sitting silently often. Pondering. Considering the fork in the road. I've been growing and healing. Glasses are clear, yet can still get rosy. Leaving behind what should've been is hard. Staying in the marriage isn't always appealing. As suspected, knowing what I didn't want to believe broke me. Feeling every ache has made for tough weeks.
I feel myself withdrawing from everyone. I sit in silence a lot. Deep thoughts. Little action. I go to work. I see family. I got out. Still GALing but find myself crumbling more in the quiet return to home. Perhaps, a set back. It's not so much fear as it is sadness, emptiness, disbelief, betrayal, disgust, anger, confusion, pain. Heartbroken. Acceptance. When I'm out, I show up with a mask. I don't want to talk about it.
I was detached until our interactions increased. Seeing H is the hardest thing I do. I show up kind, caring, compassionate, helpful, secure, confident, detached. And then an immediate emotional crash as we part. My feelings toward him are different.
We've interacted twice since my last update.
H offered to come by last Saturday to drop off money for business stuff. On Sat, he text to say he'd come Sunday. (This I've learned to expect - Sat quickly becomes Sun.) I informed him that I'd be around in the morning but had plans in the afternoon. No further texting.
Early Sunday morning plans had me out. As I headed home at 10, I saw him pulling into a little shop around the corner from my house - likely coffee. Three hours later, he texted saying that the money was in the mailbox. H drove around for 3 hours. I acknowledged his text a couple days later with a combined message about a loan taken in his name fraudulently. No response from him. I informed him and that's the extent of my responsibility. His problem to manage.
On Friday, I asked if he could meet up to sign the return the following day. "I have some things to do but could try to fit it in." He said he'd come to the house to review it together before going to accountants. And I take a deep breath....
H pulls into the garage, walks up the stairs, pets the dogs and into the kitchen with his hands in his pockets. I can tell he feels naked without his band. My thoughts: worry not, both of us have removed the symbol of our love. Yup, that hurt. I expected it from him because he seems to follow my lead and always has. I took mine off last weekend, which means he now can.
H grabs a mug to enjoy some coffee. Immediately, I tell him I want to sell the house and he's taken back bc we're supposed to talk about taxes. I apologized and we talked taxes, but kept shifting between taxes and house. I threw out many comments that he calmly responded to but was disappointed as he doesn't want to sell the house we built from the ground up.
M: Do you want to live here? H: Yes, but I can't afford to. M: What makes you think that I can? H: You make more and mine is more expensive. M: How do you know what it costs to run this house? H: I don't.
M:We have a lot of family things and business items to resolve over the next couple months. After that, we need to clear out this house and make some decisions. This isn't sustainable. H: What's there to clear out? M: A lot. We have a lot of stuff. And for starters, you can grab all your boxes that I packed nearly a year ago. I'm not your storage unit. H nods and sinks.
Throughout the 2 hours, I shared many of my thoughts - with a calm voice and with directness. Emotionless, yet impactful. Oddly, he took it all. No anger. No retaliation. No attempts to walk out the door. Just what appeared to be sadness on his end.
He noticed the house had been stripped of all things related to him. No pictures, no memorabilia that resembles him. He felt it.
We sat down to review the taxes. Yup, we owe. Shocker. Immediately, he offers to pay half.
Noted: this is the second weekend in a row that he's offering to take responsibility. No argument. No complaints about lacking funds. I didn't even have to hold him accountable. I like this.
And he begins to share about his life. Asks me some questions. And I ask, are you happy?
H: yeah (with uncertainty). Well...happier. M: What? (in total confused tone) You aren't happy? H: With teary eyes he looks away. M: What's going on? Do you know where happy comes from? H: Yes, from within as he points to his heart. M: Then how can you not be happy? H: Still fighting tears, he shrugs his shoulders and says that some days he just is not happy. M: Talk to me. What's going on inside you? H: Can I have a tissue? M: I offer him a hug which he accepts quickly and pulls me in tightly.
M: Are you talking with anyone? Is anyone helping you? Anyone in the family helping you? H: No. M: Your family calls me all the time. They tell me they're worried about you. (Not sure how he took that.) H: H shrugs his shoulders with no words. M: Do you talk with God? H: No. Well, some days I do. M: You should consider talking to God daily. H: H nods but I can tell it's his people-pleasing skills coming throug0h.
I then pulled away and told him, our marriage is broken. Our marriage is dead. You've done many things that warrant me hating you. Yet, I don't. I choose to love you because love is a choice. If you want help, what can I help with? In short, H wants to come to the house next weekend to talk. I suspect H won't talk, but if he does, I'll listen. It's been 6 months since he had some sort of awakening.
After reviewing the taxes, I told him, "While you didn't ask, I'm happy. I'm thriving. Life is great. I'd like to think that you would be happy by now." H got choked up. After some silence, I carried on. "Clearly, I took a different healing path. Would you be willing to try my approach?" He shrugged again and said, "Maybe".
Then without using MLC words, I let him know that I see him and know that he doesn't want to talk about anything related to emotions. Talking emotions makes him uncomfortable. He agreed quickly. I then pointed out a time in our conversation where he changed the subject. He said he noticed that he does that. I suggested that he let himself out from inside.
We'll see if he shows up on Saturday.
Interestingly, the first 20 minutes, he mentioned how hot the house was. He was perspiring. Took off his shirt and his inner shirt was soaked. Sounds to me like some emotions may have been running wild on his side and his body was paying for it.
When I look back on Saturday, I demonstrated extreme strength and little emotion. I was a different person.
As for the kids, no word from dad since Pi day.
Perhaps mom is withdrawing and dad is withdrawing as we travel this separate journey.
