Grief and Gratitude, Grok - (A) Rise

[grok]

I always start with a short outline... And end up telling a story.

I started to type this out a week and a half ago on a Sunday night after collapsing tired and realizing there was not a bit of spare time in the day. What had I done all day? What daily life have I created for me/us? What have I been doing over the last year plus?

Part of pulling back for a month of consolidation was looking back. It can be hard to see the bigger picture and progress when you are head down and hurting.

Bigger changes in the last year and a half

I worked with all three children to reset their bedrooms...from children's rooms to young adult rooms. paint on walls, new desks and cabinets, new closet arrangements, new decorations, etc...

The laundry room has a new washer and dryer stacked along with laundry storage to keep it out of other spots.

I have an open floor plan downstairs with a playroom/familyroom side. This last month we reset the space to be open again while keeping common desks and the giant project table (Ikea hack - made of four solid wood desktops (55"x28") laid on top of four cubby style shelves on their sides (Kallax)). The dogs love it to race around in and the children have taken to laying on the floor there. The red velvet couch (I had found it used, specifically to tickle XWs fancy) is under the big bay window now.

The tiny back yard is now fully chicken and garden space. This last couple have months has seen the two remaining chickens start laying every day. Delicious fresh eggs!

I drive a small truck now instead of the sporty cars and motorcycles I have always had. It fits all four of us and stuff for home and outings to beach or biking. Utility has its own attractions... And I can laugh and drive over curbs now. Kids just roll their eyes.

I have created stability and routines at home where my children have found a safe place to stay with apparently no desire to live with mom.

My own internal changes? Well, that is a bigger story on its own. Short version - working on living a confident life for my own purposes. HT to Mach1 in my first thread:

As I think about it , what comes to mind is....

"Beware The Ides of March....."

I see a strong, capable, confident man taking the wheel and steering the ship....

What I also see....

Is a strong, capable man taking the wheel and steering the ship....

Be careful Grok....on which shoulder wins...

Days Filled

On the smaller scale, I find my days filled.

Up at dawn to take big dog for our mile plus walk. I need it as much as the dog does LOL.

Then it is making the breakfast for us four. Fried and scrambled eggs (fresh from D18's chickens), bacon, spicy chicken sausage bits, and on...

It is a potluck day at church, and I meant to make a blueberry pie. I confirm I would have had to start it the day before though. Not enough time. OK then. Plan 2, I'll make the Carroll Shelby Texas Chilli mix.... and then find I only have 1.3 lbs ground beef left in the freezer. I will not be stopped or disturbed. Backup to the backup plan is Tripple Chocolate Brownie mix. I HAVE all the ingredients, and it doesn't take long. HA!

About the time I put it in the oven, D19 is first down the stairs.

D19, "Dad, do I haaave to go to church today? I wanted to hang out with N. I haven't see her much in months. And she has something at 4pm. And we wanted to go down to the outlet mall. And there isn't enough time if I go after church. And ... And..."

G, "D19, you are an adult now. If a young one. You will have to decide this for yourself. You know the reasons why we go and what our commitments are. We can talk about all of it. You will also have to decide and try it out each time. You won't know for YOURSELF what is right until you make choices and consider them afterwards. I won't be disappointed or angry for either choice.". We discussed for a bit and she decided to visit with the friend this time. And to think about it.

Off I went with S13 and D18 to church. After helping S13 find his shoes again (barefoot is his usual mode). I had an interesting time expanding on the sermon by putting the outline elements along with verses into a modern AI system and asking it to expand using respected Bible commentary. The results were fascinating and useful.

The brownies were reasonably popular at potluck. S13 ate plain noodles.... Sigh. A work in progress. D18 was using Instagram and saw a post about a local u-pick place. "Dad, Dad! Can we go?". I said sure, just make sure they are open. ... And off we went to pick a ½ flat of fresh strawberries, 1 large purple onion, and flowers (Chocolate Sunflower, Snap Dragon, Zinnia, and Statice) for $10. Winning!

Arriving home meant washing and eating strawberries, flowers in a vase, and a short NAP.

It didn't take long before I was up though. There is so much to do. -> G, get a move on ... You are IT now. I headed out to the back yard to start the disassembly of the large rotting play/swing set. D18 comes out shortly after asking if I want help. Of course I do! Though I think it might have to with wanting to use the sledgehammer to knock it apart... This has needed doing for two years, but I have kept in mind some early words that D18 said to me, "Dad, don't change things too fast. It's too much.". Wise child.

D19 shows up and says, "we have to go now! Grocery shopping! Store is closing!". It turns out she is right. A quick shower to wash off all the dirt and debris and off we go. It takes about an hour and a half, but we get the weeks supplies. We'll start cooking when we get home. D18 and S13 have the job of picking up around the house while we are out.

While she starts the cooking, I take to wet-vacuuming the landing of our stairs. Little dog had taken to peeing there when no one was looking during the day. grrrrr.... and then on to cooking also. Ds refuse to touch or make meat products...only to eat them, LOL. Chicken and ground beef for a casserole, chicken wraps, Chili, a salad, and on. After we are done, cooking and storing, I fill the dishwasher and have the children do 30 dishes each.

Almost bed time and time to walk the dogs, put chickens in their little barn.... XW shows up at the curb to say goodnight to children. Since late January, she has been pretty consistent about this. She messages them, not me, when she arrives and usually D19 herds the other two out the door.

Whew! So tired. Didn't get to driving practice with D18 or doing taxes with Ds or RC car with S13 or .... Still, this was a good day full of life.

Looking back at the last couple of days and the last two years as I lay in bed at almost 11 after herding everyone upstairs - listening to

My Lord Provided - Coquí

Are you feeling alone, scared of leaving the room?
Disappointed, and angry, and feeling confused?
Are you weak in your faith 'cause you can't take the truth?
Or did someone's hypocrisy make for excuse?

When the weight of the world seems to pull you behind
And your thoughts overgrow, flooding all through your mind
Does it scare you to think that you're not in control?
What if I told you just how to let it all go?
...
Oh, I'm grateful for the day
When I decided to pray
Gave all my worries away
My Lord provided the way

g


P.S. Still working on writing "Gym meets and XW uses washing machine"