Like job said, do not tell H about your lawyer visits or information you are gathering. This also includes DR, this site, DBing strategies, and so on. Why? Because H will see it, craft it, as you trying to manipulate him. Realize, for now, H is not on team bkerchik.
Having that night out described as “bizzaro world” is most apt. And unfortunately, likely just the tip of the bizzaro iceberg.
I know and empathize with how lost you feel. Remember this: You didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him.
H’s crisis is about him. About his past unrealized unreconciled trauma(s). Stuff he doesn’t even know about. Stuff he hid away.
H is driven by his emotions. He will not make well-reasoned logical decisions. Rather he will behave in the moment according to how he feels in the moment. And feelings change rapidly. As will his behaviours, actions, etc.
A crisis person cannot handle blame, judgement, pressure, and such. They simply can’t. Their mind would fracture. So, here they are feelings all these weird and wildly unhappy feelings. Becoming more and more depressed. They wonder why? What’s the cause? Who’s the cause? Remember, they cannot have it be them. So, they look around and see us. Their loving spouse. And incorrectly assign us as the cause.
With time and space, and some good fortune, H may someday realize: “Hey, bk hasn’t been bugging me for quite a while and I still feel unhappy. Hmmmmm. Perhaps she isn’t the cause of my unhappiness.” And with more good fortune, H would start to look inward, to the true cause.
Of course, this takes time. And a person in crisis is actively running from their torment. This running stage, or replay stage - as it’s them trying to replay/relive their youth, is the longest stage in a crisis.
A MLCer is on their time line. Any attempts to speed things along, as well intentioned as that may be, is at best neutral. More often our intervening just delays the crisis, and at worst completely stalls it. H has to walk his path.
And you have to walk your’s. Focus on you and your daughters. Be busy (Get A Life, GAL). Pick up old hobbies and interests you set aside for marriage and family. Start a new hobby, or take a class, or course. Feed your interest and enthusiasm. Walk, exercise, and so on. Keep moving forward.
Hope you have a wonderful day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
