You know the drill...

[DnJ]

Good Morning Dyn

These aren't the type of things you'd ask for if you were moving out soon.

That’s a rational surmising. Remember, W is more acting upon emotions, non-rational ideas.

On the flip side, still no effort to connect. Some small little things around the house show that I'm still in her thoughts, food she has bought or offers of a coffee or sandwich.

BD was only months ago. This takes time. W is still working through her feelings, and therefore has little bandwidth for anyone or anything else. Be patient. Her small gestures and pleasant requests/conversations are a positive, IMO.

Keep doing what you’re doing. Remain pressure-free. Very important pressure-free. No, or limited, R-talks. Plenty of time and space for her to figure her mess out.

We had mothers day here last weekend so I took the kids shopping to get her a gift. We made her breakfast in bed and I cooked a nice dinner. No grand gestures. She thanked me for the effort.

Nicely done.

I still change my mind several times per day between ending things myself and sticking it out. But I know I wouldn't end things without giving it one last chance effort, should that effort just be more DB?

DB is figuring out how you are going to live. Authentically. Sincerely. Rationally.

This daily flipping and flopping about staying or ending the marriage, ask yourself what is driving it? Seriously look. It’s likely emotionally driven. Your feelings bouncing about.

Rationally, intellectually, you have reasons for remaining married and working towards that goal.

IMHO, you are not at the point of only giving it one last chance. (Lots of avenues to explore before that point.) Sure, it may feel like it, but rationally you have time. That gift of time. Use it well. Use it wisely.

It’s only months since BD, dig for patience. Embrace limbo. There are positive steps being made by W. Give it time to see how it plays out.

You are making positive progress too. Give yourself time to figure that out. And of course, time for W to actually see, notice, and believe this new and improved Dynamiq2.0.

My IC talks a lot about trying to connect, add a bit of romance, but also being authentic, and relaxed and not taking things too personally. It all makes sense at the time but then I get out, remember where we are, what has been done and I realise that being authentic means not flirting and chasing. It's strange because I am still really physically attracted to her. But the way she is behaving towards me isn't attractive and I can't see past that. I actually see this as really healthy and a sign of growth in myself.

I’d figure your IC hears and knows much more of your situation than you share here. (That’s proper by the way. Anonymity and all.) Go slow. Be true. Be rational. Find your convictions and follow those. (Emotions flit, beliefs are much better headings. And beliefs usually have an high degree of intellectual/rational basis to them as well.)

My Ws brother who is one year younger than her, also has a hard time keeping his life on track. He has a 'grass is greener' attitude to most things. They were both very young when their parents divorced and it really seems to have left a terrible mark on both of them. I don't want that for my little ones.

My XW’s brother followed a similar path as she did. He blew up his marriage, lost custody, loads of destruction. Seems their parents/family and the dynamics thereof left similar marks upon both of them.

Divorce, a broken family, etc: I do not think, I do not believe, that that in and of itself, carves some fate in stone. One strong stable parent can/does make a difference.

Authentic, sincere, honest, open, moral, etc. Walk a righteous path, be an example with conviction, gently steer, and so on. Kids watch. Kids will mimic, and therefore learn to be from the example(s) they are exposed to.

I set down a big wake up call around infidelity and W responded. Should I do the same (gently) around avoidance since this will be just as destructive to the marriage? I'm mindful of one of Sandi's posts about treating a WW with a bit of tough love to avoid getting stuck in this exact situation.

Go slow.

The wake up call around infidelity is more a boundary. Do this, and I will do this.

Would a boundary type thing work for bringing someone out of their avoidant shell? Likely not.

Gentle and going slow with encouragement and ensuring she feels safe and non-judged may yield better results. It’s going to time and purposeful effort. The big thing, she needs to want it. Is she seeing an IC?

Remember, you are in the roll, and want the roll of husband, not IC. Do not try to fix her. Encourage whatever positive efforts she makes towards fixing herself. And only a little bit, treat it like salt, too much and it ruins the steak. Or salt in a wound, if that metaphor is more apt. Whatever, small sincere doses.

Hope you have a great Sunday.

D