Where do I start…the beginning i suppose. My H (53) and I (51) have been married for almost 25 years. We have 2 D’s. 19 and 17. I hope this isn’t too long.
About 3-4 years ago he came to me and told me that he wasn’t happy. He didn’t know what he wanted to do. He wasn’t ready to leave. He refused to go to therapy but we talked through things and came up with some ways to try and improve and he stressed to me how important his band was and it bothered him that I complained about it all the time.
So taking a step back, the band has always been the biggest argument we have. It has always come first. When the kids were little, I always felt like he needed to spend more time with us on the weekends. We both work. Fridays were always band practice and we’d usually hang out as a family on Saturdays after he woke up from a long night out. Not much time for date nights. And he was having gigs on Saturdays like 2-3 weekends a month. I admit, I was mean. I was jealous of his time with the band and when we did get a night out I would ruin it by saying something stupid. But he wouldn’t change either. It’s on us both.
So after the I’m not happy conversation I thought, okay, the kids are getting older, they don’t want to hang out with us anyway, so I’m going to stop this. He also stressed to me that the band was an outlet for him that he needed, kinda like me working out. Okay, i get it, I was stupid. I stopped. I felt like I’d grown up a little too.
We started to hang out more, going and watching other bands, have dinner together, etc. And bam, in January he BD. I was shocked and in despair, the usual. I thought things were getting better! He told me that he thought I had stopped complaining about the band just to keep the peace. Really? That’s what you think of me. He told me he loved me but didn’t love me. I’m 53 and I need to be happy. You’re going to find someone else and be so much happier. I’m not the same person I was. I asked him if there was someone else and he said no. You get it. I told him I loved him and wanted to work it out. He won’t go to therapy and told me that I just need to understand it’s over.
I did all the wrong things of course. And I did dig into his phone. He’s always been very protective of his phone but one morning I got in and found a text message that made me almost throw up between the singer in the band (F) and him. I asked him about her and he said they are just friends. We always have conversations like that. Well, I’m pretty suspicious that they are either having an EA or PA. I forgot to mention that he told me she was getting a D a few days before BD.
He doesn’t want to leave until June when our D(17) is done with school. She’s struggling with school and with her anxiety and ADD I’m really worried how she is going to deal with this. But he says oh don’t worry the kids will be fine. You just have to tell them the right way. Is it wrong that I want him to tell the kids with me in the room and he takes responsibility? He wants to make it sound like it’s both of us.
And he only wanted me tell one person other than my therapist. Glad I started that right away. He’s says he’s not talking to anyone about his, but I’m not sure I believe him.
Somehow I found the DB website and read DR. And I’ve been trying to implement different things as well as the last resort technique. As soon as I think things are better they aren’t. I get the feeling that everything I’m do he thinks I’m doing just so we get along until June. He’s acting like nothing has changed. Same sense of humor same conversations. Still sleeping in the same bed, which might be just for the kids. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been trying to GAL. Pick up some old hobbies. We don’t fight. The only thing we’ve fought about lately is his “expense” credit card that he is supposed to only use for work. I found that he’s been making multiple large payments a month to this card. He said he’s stop using it but I don’t know if that’s the case. I have no idea where this money is going. I think I’m going to drop it for now because it’s obviously a push.
Any suggestions you amazing people have would be awesome. You guys get it unlike a few friends. And I need to see this through your eyes. I first thought this was a MLC but now I’m wondering if WAH. I’m reading DR for the third time with that in mind. I don’t want my marriage to end.
