Yes turning away from direct communication is hard . I probably tend to more like you whether at home or with work . I can be direct but not in a mean way . I did some traveling for work during the pandemic . I remember being told by the hospital I was at you are ridiculously confident but never mean .
Attachment styles can be a tough topic . I always come up as anxious preoccupied. Though it’s only from one category my marriage . I’m not like that with the rest of my life . I can call my parents on any given day and never feel like I can’t communicate or fear of abandonment . I openly talk with my children and friends . This attachment style now is a direct reflection of being in a toxic relationship for many years . I’ve turned into someone who does not communicate due to H reactions or him leaving for days or weeks at a time . Or just flat out ignoring me or blocking me .
H is well aware he is a fearful avoidant. Runs for his life .
We did the love language thing as well . What I learned from it really came to light over the last few weeks . Everything whether it be a book , an exercise or some type of improving communication both parties have to be willing to make changes . I’ll give you an example : H love language is physical touch and words of affirmation . Whether I mean it or not for a bit there I would throw out some confidence boosting words . You look great in that shirt . You did a really good job with cooking dinner . A little extra touch here or there . He ate it up .
So let’s go to mine : quality time . Big fail . I started getting messages or let’s say kind words such as . Thanks for food shopping . Thank you for grabbing the kids after school . I did get one let’s go on a date . If you want to know how that went it turned into him not planning anything and throwing it on my lap to figure out what we were doing .
What I learned from this is he is incapable of looking at someone else’s needs or what makes them feel secure in a relationship over his own . It took me many months possibly years looking back to come to terms with the things he is doing or trying to do unknowingly are to make him feel better and lessen his guilt . Not to improve how I feel . Hence his temper tantrums every time I communicate and his response of pity me I’m never enough .
Is my home currently toxic for my children . No . I don’t engage in anything with him around the children that could turn into any type of tantrum from him . That was solely improved by me and me only . I just took all that garbage completely out of my home .
If people or spouses are unwilling or incapable of making change that falls solely on them . For now and for the near future . H has a completely checked out wife who won’t engage with him unless it’s an absolute necessity for the children . I’m not mean but I’m also not available . He walks in a room . I walk out . If it’s not a question . No answer . If he chooses not to face what he has done do this marriage so be it . My life is not spinning or spiraling from his non sense and unwillingness to address his demons . Serious substantial effort needs to be made .
