I learned that my idea of what love actually is was always a bit skewed. Service, providing, giving - I thought this was the essence of love - what you can give to and do for others. This is why I have struggled with feeling good enough, why I gave up some parts of myself that I shouldn't have, and I think this has played into our R problems. A huge part I was missing was that I am enough - I don't need to give so much - but just being there, being and present and validating others is huge.
I actually already instinctively knew this in my R with my kids but somehow not in my M. Why?
We love our kids pretty much unconditionally. Our partner love is/becomes more transactional.
An interesting read is the Five Love Languages. “what you can give to and do for others” is your encapsulation of what love is and how it is expressed. There are 5 distinct languages/avenues of expressing and receiving that message. Words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and gifts (receiving/giving).
Understanding oneself and their partner’s LL illustrates love’s previous miscommunications and highlights how to better express going forward. Example, you may place the most importance on receiving gifts, while your partner place most importance on quality time. So, no matter how many gifts you give, what they are truly desiring is to spend time, quality time, together. Even though, to you, you believe you are showing your deep love. The problem is, it’s not being heard as well as it could be.
It’s about how we receive love and express love. (Those may not be the same.) And how our partner does. That makes four different avenues overall. The key, communication. Talking, finding out about each other’s LL; and filling their tank their way. And of course, that being reciprocated.
Glad to hear Dad’s on the mend. Have a great Sunday.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
