A return new comer

[Valeska19]

I took a long hard look at myself the last few weeks and realized it is not my job to fix someone else , help them learn how to be a partner and/or a better parent . But I deserve someone who is my equal and who has good intentions.

Many of the audiobooks mirror much of what is said on here . You can control only one person . Yourself . You can control how you react or not react . I think for me hearing this rather than reading it was more beneficial. Stuck just a bit more with some examples that I was able to hear .

Girl...preach. I read the letting go poem daily.

I think most people who come here only want to save their marriage... often very scared and often wanting to do it at the expense of themselves. And when it's not a quick fix - poof... gone.

Sometimes different avenues hit at different times. I'm happy to hear you have different areas to grab support from. It's oh so important..

Yesterday H asked me what was wrong . I made it about 30 seconds before his true self came out . Didn’t even get through the entire sentence . H left in a fit of rage . So be it . It is not my job to chase him , speak to him or encourage him to talk to his counselor . H was radio silent all day . I don’t care where he was . I did my own thing . Spent time with kids. Caught up of school work and vegged out on some more audiobooks .

I took a different path today . I am no longer just go to take this non sense laying down . A few swift lines of a deserve a partner who is able and willing to discuss how I am feeling .

So he responded with a phone call . He said go ahead you talk I will just listen . It lasted less than 2 minutes before he began yelling and carrying on . So I hung up . I again reiterated I will not speak to someone who yells and can not listen for less than 60 seconds before becoming irate.

Good for you for many reasons.

Reason 1.

You two are trying to make a marriage work so this is a different step than others on this board. The only way for you to see if he is serious and willing to do the work is for you to express your needs and wants and then WATCH to see how he responds.

6 months later - he's still responding the same way. Like a man-child. Is he doing any individual therapy to address his tantrums?

Reason 2.
Boundaries are needed to make a marriage work. I'm glad you set some. It may take a hot minute for him to stop bulldozing through them or pressing up against them... but remember... by sticking to them... you are teaching him how you are going to treated in this relationship. It's up to him to make that change.

Now looking back I probably shouldn’t have answered the second phone call and just let that one be but I did .(fail on my part ) I got a bit further but ultimately the call ended with him sobbing and saying he is never good enough . Went on about it’s his fault he doesn’t know how to handle emotions . Apparently, all the women in his life have had all of the same complaints. He even threw in his affair partner complaints about him . Well that was just fun to hear about ! Ha !

I glad you did... for reason 3.

I personally think him sobbing is more a defense mechanism or manipulation tactic. What I mean by this is that he uses "his pain" to take the focus off the issue (him acting like a fool- aka YOU) and puts it back on hs trauma (AKA him). And now you are completely off topic and not addressing the issue at hand. There are some good books out there to help address how to keep it on topic in a loving way. Sometimes this "self pity" response is subconscious and automatic so awareness can do wonders.

However if STILL persists on using his shame spiral - I would then shut it down. You are not his therapist and so far he's not willing to address the issues surrounding his "self worth"issues. Again this can be done in a loving way using "I" statements.

Either way through all of his non sense and carrying on . I did get out some points that I know were heard . He is very well aware my reason for staying in the marriage - the kids . And he is also very well aware that I have very limited room in my life for him and don’t wish to continue a marriage with someone who disrespects myself or our marriage . So for now and until I see some solid progress with having open communication. Everything is off the table : don’t kiss me , don’t try to jump in bed with me and definitely do not think I’m going out on superficial dates . And by progress I mean some serious substantial effort into allowing your hurt spouse to speak openly more than once a month . If he chooses not to do this so be it . I will continue to spend time and doing things with the people who respect me and enjoy my company.

I'm glad you did this... AND this is where I'm going to challenge you. Now that you have said what you wanted or needed. Now that you have laid your boundaries. Step way back. When he violates them - remind him. Otherwise - you are beating a dead horse because you have said this to him many times. Less words. More actions.

I know I may have broke half the DB rules during that last 24 hrs but it was quite empowering to feel as though I’m taking control back of my life and what I deserve . Glow up in progress !

Not from these bleacher seats.

Good job.