I'm working a lot, both at my own job and with my dad's business while he recovers so time, space is easy to achieve at the moment. W is picking up some more of the slack at home and with the kids.
It feels like there is a canyon between us at the moment, even if we're just a few inches apart. Some surface level conversations with W but kids are always there interrupting and being kids...
In the car, W will just look out the window or at her phone. At home she'll be in another room or in bed. We're only together with the kids present.
It hurts seeing her act 'normally' with other people and even doing things for my family while I get the cold shoulder. Like I don't exist or like I'm just a useful but uninteresting inanimate object. A walking bank account.
Continuing to detach, accept and learn about myself. The pain is less but still intense when it comes. I cried for the first time in all this... the first time since my daughter was born.
I learned that my idea of what love actually is was always a bit skewed. Service, providing, giving - I thought this was the essence of love - what you can give to and do for others. This is why I have struggled with feeling good enough, why I gave up some parts of myself that I shouldn't have, and I think this has played into our R problems. A huge part I was missing was that I am enough - I don't need to give so much - but just being there, being and present and validating others is huge.
I actually already instinctively knew this in my R with my kids but somehow not in my M. Why?
Continuing to GAL but less time for it at the moment - fitness, home projects, time with kids.
