Over the last few weeks or so I began listening to different podcasts and audiobooks on different attachment styles but more so audiobooks on how not to be a fixer and take more charge over my own emotions and life.

Many of us come here because we are so lost and sometimes just unable to process what has been or is going on in our marriages .

I took a long hard look at myself the last few weeks and realized it is not my job to fix someone else , help them learn how to be a partner and/or a better parent . But I deserve someone who is my equal and who has good intentions.

Many of the audiobooks mirror much of what is said on here . You can control only one person . Yourself . You can control how you react or not react . I think for me hearing this rather than reading it was more beneficial. Stuck just a bit more with some examples that I was able to hear .

I decided to put some of this into action.

Yesterday H asked me what was wrong . I made it about 30 seconds before his true self came out . Didn’t even get through the entire sentence . H left in a fit of rage . So be it . It is not my job to chase him , speak to him or encourage him to talk to his counselor . H was radio silent all day . I don’t care where he was . I did my own thing . Spent time with kids. Caught up of school work and vegged out on some more audiobooks .

I took a different path today . I am no longer just go to take this non sense laying down . A few swift lines of a deserve a partner who is able and willing to discuss how I am feeling .

So he responded with a phone call . He said go ahead you talk I will just listen . It lasted less than 2 minutes before he began yelling and carrying on . So I hung up . I again reiterated I will not speak to someone who yells and can not listen for less than 60 seconds before becoming irate.

Now looking back I probably shouldn’t have answered the second phone call and just let that one be but I did .(fail on my part ) I got a bit further but ultimately the call ended with him sobbing and saying he is never good enough . Went on about it’s his fault he doesn’t know how to handle emotions . Apparently, all the women in his life have had all of the same complaints. He even threw in his affair partner complaints about him . Well that was just fun to hear about ! Ha !

Either way through all of his non sense and carrying on . I did get out some points that I know were heard . He is very well aware my reason for staying in the marriage - the kids . And he is also very well aware that I have very limited room in my life for him and don’t wish to continue a marriage with someone who disrespects myself or our marriage . So for now and until I see some solid progress with having open communication. Everything is off the table : don’t kiss me , don’t try to jump in bed with me and definitely do not think I’m going out on superficial dates . And by progress I mean some serious substantial effort into allowing your hurt spouse to speak openly more than once a month . If he chooses not to do this so be it . I will continue to spend time and doing things with the people who respect me and enjoy my company.

I do like to throw in some humor . So the quote that really had me laugh was H saying I asked him to stay . My response - I said no such thing and took off with the kids to another state. You had and have every opportunity to leave . I then added do not speak to me about whatever gripes your affair partner had with you . You both chose that relationship and deserve whatever came from it 😀.

I know I may have broke half the DB rules during that last 24 hrs but it was quite empowering to feel as though I’m taking control back of my life and what I deserve . Glow up in progress !