Still detaching and embracing my new normal

[Valeska19]

Today, I'm ready to put a plan together for moving towards dissolving the future of our M.

Good. My opinion differs from DNJ a little because you have already been waiting! And having an idea of a plan is different from activating that plan. Whilst your head is focused on self - take that opportunity to be curious on what that looks like. I don't recommend sitting on stuff in your case, because you have a habit of lessening your importance over time. Better to take small steps when you possess the anger, adrenaline, etc to take that small step forward. Again... you are inquiring and planning.. not pulling any triggers. There is no risk here.

Suggestions on email....
Hi H, I've taken time to reflect and I'm accepting the decisions you've made and acting accordingly.

Below are some items in flight.

The tax file was dropped off at the accountants. They only need Form 1098 to complete our return. I'm hopeful that you've been able to take care of that.

For over two years, I've been covering the monthly fees for all four lines since you first informed me of your wish to separate. As of Feb, the billing address has been updated to your home. I'm working on removing my cell phone line from the family account.

I'm also working with the car insurance company to complete the plate and title transfers for the vehicles by the end of this month. This will allow us to obtain separate insurance policies when the policy renews on 4/1. You'll be receiving an email from the insurance company soon.

As agreed, I funded the excise taxes at the Town of <Town Name> for 3 of our vehicles, as you offered to fund the excise taxes for the car you were billed for.

With respect to dissolving our marriage, I'd like to attempt mediation first? I hope we can get through this with mutual respect and avoid unnecessary attorney and court fees.

Regards,
MG

I suggest not sending this email. Now is the time for action.

* You already told him what he needed to turn in for taxes. The next step is to ask yourself - what's the plan if he doesn't.
* Don't say you are going to separate the cell phone bill. Just do it. It takes very little time.
* I think you need to see a L if you haven't already. Cell phone bill is easy. Titles should be too if they are going into your kids name. Otherwise you need to find out what you can do legally in your state.

I know you don't want to spend money... but you need to keep in mind that you are the breadwinner here... so you have to protect yourself. Sometimes spending the money means a peace of mind that you are going to be okay.

(It felt good to write that! and then I cried in disbelief. Am I ready for this?)

I think this is the wrong question to ask yourself. Personally I think this whole "inner peace" around decisions can be a load of BS. There is also a saying that sometimes the right decisions feel very wrong at the time.

For myself - I dont often feel peace about healthy decisions for myself. Because I was raised not to. I was told it was selfish and so I tend to feel guilty first, selfish second... and peace... well I'm still waiting...

However lately there is something that nags at me in my current situation. Some might call it self-worth, others self protection... perhaps it is just a "gut" thing. Personally I feel like it's logic to the truth of my situation that I am working towards accepting.

Perhaps this thought could be helpful for you when it comes to decision-making. It help grounds me.

"This person has hurt me repeatedly. I do not wish to be hurt anymore. To assume that he/she will do something different at this time without changed behavior is unwise. I will do the following things to protect myself from this person hurting me"

And then I list the things that help protect me.

Of course at times I don't feel ready. Of course I'm scared and anxious at times. Some nights there are nightmares that i wake up from drenched in sweat. And Peace... what is that??

And yet - I still come back to this solid feeling in my gut that says "I don't want to be hurt anymore by this person". And it screams loudly every time I try to do something that puts me in "danger". I'm not even sure it's conscious at this point.

So you may not be ready to end your marriage. And sure I can tell you that your H already decided that...

... but did this last revelation put your body in the drive of "I'm not going to allow this person to hurt me anymore"? Because doing nothing could also open the door for more harm.

That's for you to decide...