I came to a realisation this week- end while on the phone with my sister. ( not the one Ex told )
[ One question i had for a very long time was: why on earth have they not distanced themselves from him? Instead, i' m the one who distanced myself from them because of this.]
I called to apologize to her for not being the one to tell her . She answered : " atleast, it was a family member and not a stranger who spilled the bean.
Bingo... he is still family in their eyes. But what about me? What about the pain it causes me? What about the situation this puts me in? I became an outcast. Maybe by my own doing from distancing but i needed to... for my own health.
You did right by not spilling the beans. You are Mom. You get told the news in the first wave. Aunts and uncles are told on the second wave (or subsequent waves).
Regarding XH still being family and you feeling like an outcast. Talk to sister. If you want an answer, ask her “why on earth have [you] they not distanced [yourself] themselves from him?”
You might have your interpretation of their relationship incorrect. They/she may not realize your pain and struggling. Or some other scenario. Point is, opening a dialog, starting that difficult conversation, will yield benefit for you.
You may not like the answers you hear. Yet, that information will help you find your answers to “But what about me? What about the pain it causes me? What about the situation this puts me in?”.
Originally Posted by equistetobe
That knot in my stomach, sleepless night, lack of appetite... I force myself to not let him have these effect on me. Sometimes i succeed, sometimes i don' t.
XH doesn’t have these effects on you. You do. H is simply not that powerful!
Certainly, XH’s behaviour can trigger or initiate emotional responses within you. Yet, you can let it go, let it wash over you; or you can reinforce it. You control you. XH does not control you.
I do realize it’s difficult, and how something out of the blue can really trip one up. Thankfully this occurs seldom. And with each time, we get stronger and better armed and better prepared for the next time.
Hoping you’re having a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
