Still detaching and embracing my new normal

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

As for me, I want to tell them. I don't know why. Still haven't been able to explain it to myself. Why do I want this in the open? Any ideas? All I can come up with is that my actions are shifting and I don't know how else to explain it to the kids.

I think you want it in the open to ensure your words and actions are interpreted correctly; so the kids understand where you are coming from, why you are doing what you are; so they know the path you’re on, your values and morals, etc.

Consistent demonstrated behaviour. Have faith, how you live your life will shine and show your kids far better than words will.

That being said, at some point I agree you should/would tell the kids. When is that point? When it is needed. When it serves. When it isn’t done out of retribution or retaliation.

It’s been two weeks. I’d suspect the initial “triggered” feelings should be somewhat muted, given all the inner work you’ve done over the past two years. You’d now be more able to see what you wish to do and why.

The kids not knowing weighs on me. I feel like I'm lying to them.

Ok. Feeling aside. Logic and reason. Are you lying or is H? Who is really living disingenuously?

So, tell the kids. How? You do not need to cover up H’s omissions or outright falsehoods, and you do not need to go out of your way to tell ‘em about Dad. Life will provide an opportunity, usually kids do bring it up.

If you want to unburden some of the pain and such from your situation, how you feel due to discovering H’s affair, and so on - talk to a trusted friend, or a counsellor, or write it in a diary/journal, or vent here. You do not need to burden your kids.

To me, that’s the yardstick of “does it serve?”. It is to serve you, assuage you; or does it serve the kids and their interests?

It never seems to be the right time to tell the kids.

There is never a right time for bad information/news. The recent death of my father, I called the kids that afternoon. Interrupted whatever they were doing. They were in the middle of work, university class, etc. Just told them and turned their day on its head.

I do not believe what you want to share with the kids warrants such. You can be patient for an opening during a conversation.

Also, being Dad of four kids, kids don’t hang on what we are doing. They got their own lives. Your daughter and son are likely going about their day to day activities with little thought about you or Dad. That’s what you want. Fully functional adults. My four kids have fully rich lives, that have nothing to do with me.

D and BF have gone their separate ways. "Mom, I'm not going to do what you're doing. I'm going to move on." Ouch!

That was an opportunity.

D - Mom, I'm not going to do what you're doing. I'm going to move on.

MG - Yes, I understand, and agree with you moving on. My moving on is slower, due to 30 years of marriage, vows, and that stuff.

I’d suspect that would/could lead to a discussion of relationships, marriage, faithfulness, vows, divorce, cheating, affairs, etc.

One of my conversation/examples:

My daughter’s first real break up happened post BD. Mom had thrown me and all the kids away. Mom had tossed daughter aside like she was nothing. XW took no Mother’s Day gifts, no precious gifts/pictures/etc that daughter had crafted as a child, or purchased later on.

Daughter was 15. I came home from work a little late due to a terrific thunder storm. As I drove through town, I saw daughter and her friend standing on the sidewalk in the downpour. Both were completely soaked.

I pulled up and rolled down the passenger side window of my work van. Even with the rain pouring down her face I could see daughter’s tears rolling down her cheeks. I told them both to hop in and I’d drive her friend home.

After dropped her friend off, we went home. I parked the van, turned to daughter and asked why she was crying. She burst that she and BF broke up. I said “just a second”, got out, when to her door opened it, had her come out, and hugged her. For like two minutes daughter hugged tightly back. Just standing there in the pouring rain. Thunder booming, sky flashing.

After daughter composed herself, I inquired what had happened with BF. He was mean, non caring, etc. I hugged her again, and let her know boys are pretty dumb at 15.

I asked did he break up with you, or you with him. That is when she really lost it. She broke up with him. Daughter blurted that she felt so bad to treat BF like Mom had treated me. To end things. Daughter felt bad. Felt immoral.

I told her I understand her feelings. And that heartbreak is painful. However, Mom and I had (have) a wedding vow, boyfriend and girlfriend do not. It’s ok, heck it’s necessary to date and breakup before you find a person who you’d spend your life with. Breaking up hurts, yet it is perfectly fine.

I asked if she was dating someone else while dating BF. No. I told her I agree with only dating one person at a time. And breaking up if needed. That’s a good moral conduct, in my opinion. You take it slow, discover who the other person is, and see where things go. From this, you learned some “red flags” and how to see them. That’s how we grow. That’s learning about life and love.

She thanked me, hugged me again, and we walked into the house, both soaked.

Sitting still and not taking action feels wrong. Impatient? Decided to move forward? I can't get it straight in my head.

Limbo may not be for me....

You don’t sit and wait. And for what it’s worth, I do not think you have been sitting around pining for H to return. You’re active, go to craft outings, trips, work, shop, watch movies, walks, and on and on.

Embracing/choosing limbo makes it not a purgatory-like punishment. Realize that. Choosing limbo allows you to choose for which parts of your life. Limbo is only for that romantic relationship facet. Everything else is open. Focus on self. Live and love your life.

Travel, go for dinner in a fancy restaurant, see a movie, go out with friends, and so on.

And, if you need financial security or protection, get it.

Embracing limbo, is really embracing you. Giving you time to discover who you really are. What you really want. How you truly want to live. Your values, convictions, and beliefs. Your tenets.

Hope you have a wonderful weekend.

D