Still detaching and embracing my new normal

[Valeska19]

It never seems to be the right time to tell the kids.

D and BF have gone their separate ways. "Mom, I'm not going to do what you're doing. I'm going to move on." Ouch!

S is traveling for week 4 in a row and was sent to the next travel destination w/o even a stop at home base. Telling him over the phone doesn't feel right. Telling him on travel doesn't feel right.

As for me, I want to tell them. I don't know why. Still haven't been able to explain it to myself. Why do I want this in the open? Any ideas? All I can come up with is that my actions are shifting and I don't know how else to explain it to the kids.

My question is... what do they think is happening? Is Mom and Dad taking space? In the grand scheme of things - what's changed? Your H hasn't been moving towards the marriage in two years. It seems the only thing that has shifted is YOU because you were served a major truth bomb.

Your rose colored glasses got broken so now "hope" isn't clouding your decision making.

To me the explanation could be as simple as "I'm accepting your dad's decision and acting accordingly"

I really don't think you need to share anything else because again - nothing really changed other than the fact that you had a little bit of a wake-up call. As painful as they are... they are also necessary because the LBS stalls on taking care of themselves. Legally protecting themselves.

Wake-up Calls are needed to move forward with the best interest of SELF.

Today, I made an update that informed my H via an auto text (from the cell phone company) that the billing address has been updated. I've been paying for the 4 cell phones. Not anymore. He can pick up that tab now.

Cell phone bill is overdue. Not paid. I'm seeing the threat of the phones being shut off. I'll let S and D deal with him when that happens.

Naturally, the kids will ask why now? Why now did I switch the billing? Well...I'm done funding his expenses, especially expenses that support a R with OW. (Can't say that bc they don't know!)

I also question this. If anything - you could have separated his phone line from the other 3. Putting all the responsibility on H seems like an act of retaliation. You don't want to pay for his relationship with OW - that's fine. Drop his line from the rest.

AND - at what point is it your kids responsibility to take care of their own things? First you mention a car and now phones.

I can understand wanting to help them until college but what then? When do you let go and let them learn how to do it on their own.

I get it. I'm recently back in my hometown (after 25 years) and I'm reminding my parents all the time that I'm not the 19 girl who left all those years ago. So I understand the way a parent sees their children.

And yet - I would argue that allowing people to struggle in this world is greatly beneficial. Especially at their age as it will allow them to build the confidence they need to choose what is best for them.

Perhaps you can see the pattern here of your helpfulness. Or perhaps enabling??

Time and space away from your H will help you find the answer. You are either going to say "I can live with this" or "I can't". But that decision requires you to be centered and living in your moral code.

It requires you to be 100% focused on your well being.

How will I know? I still miss H. I'm still lonely and sad. Heartbroken. The kids not knowing weighs on me. I feel like I'm lying to them.

Sitting still and not taking action feels wrong. Impatient? Decided to move forward? I can't get it straight in my head.

Limbo may not be for me....

Isn't sitting still and not taking action what you've been doing for most of the past two years? I say that not to hurt you - only to emphasize that the only thing that's changed is that your hope got squashed. You put a ton of meaning into those little interactions. You put a ton of hope into that make-out session.

So now what do you do? Here are some self care examples in regards to your H. You're GALing seems pretty solid.

1. No initiating with H outside of children or bills ( I believe you are doing this).
2. If you are taking care of your H financially in any way - stop it. Separate phone lines, car insurance, etc. etc. Your H wants to be "single" allow him to pay for it.
3. Sit down with a lawyer. You don't have to file but find out how to protect yourself. Does that require a legal separation. Make sure you won't get in legal trouble for doing any of #2.
4. If you won't get in trouble - don't allow H in your home. Also - give him notice to pick up his stuff. Then put it on the curb.
5. Remove any photos or reminders of him in your house. Pack it in a box and believe that one day you will know what to do with them.
6. Block him on Social Media or get off social media for awhile.


None of these will feel great at first. Actually they feel pretty terrible in the first few days or weeks because it "feels" like you are giving in. It will also scare you that he will see this as "you giving up" or will push him to divorce.

That may happen. Which is why it's crucial that this step be about YOU and not being hurt anymore versus doing it to "get back at" or "get a reaction out of H"

HOWEVER what will also happen - is that you will start feeling better. You won't be surrounded by triggers as much and then can think more clearly about life and what you want.

We cannot stop the pain this world brings. But how long we decide to suffer is up to us.

Hang in the MG. I know this is most painful... but this is also the time where the most growth will happen!