I’m sorry to hear your Dad is having some health issues. I hope he recovers quickly.
You are correct, LBS needs space and time as well. By bomb drop, the leaving spouse has usually planned their exit for a while, and are rather detached by that point. The LBS plays catch up for the first bit. Later, if some sort of reconnection/reconciliation is fated or occurs, the tables turn, and it is the LBS who is further along and the returning spouse is the one running to catch up. Such seems to be the emotional/healing path.
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
I remember looking at the stages the LBS goes through and thinking that when I get to Acceptance that it would be peaceful but actually there is still quite a bit of pain in acceptance.
Yes acceptance does not mean pain-free. There are still times of hurt and sadness, although the magnitude and frequency of such are much diminished.
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
Acceptance doesn't bring any sort of resolution, just the realization that this is where we are, wife is not who I thought she was. Our relationship wasn't what I thought it was. The future isn't what I thought it was.
To me, this sounds like the end of bargaining.
Bargaining is when one tries all manner of things in an attempt to keep the old normal alive. Once one has exhausted all their efforts, the profound realization that the old normal is dead starts to sink in. This heralds the next stage - depression, when one works through that death and their feelings around and about it (regrets, deep sadness, etc.).
I found acceptance has less thinking and realizations. (Sounds weird, doesn’t it.) Acceptance is basically emotional understanding. And the journey to emotional understanding is quite a path.
It starts with intellectual understanding (ex: wasn’t what I thought it was) as one requires a certain amount of understanding before they can/will let go. This letting go/detaching allows and furthers the emotional healing and processing. Intellectual understanding and emotional intelligence both grow and go forward hand in hand towards acceptance.
The stage of depression is a huge part of gaining acceptance/emotional understanding. The lion’s share of working through depression is most definitely upon our subconscious self. The conscious self is the realm of intellect, logic, reason, planning, and such. The subconscious is the realm of emotions, beliefs, faith; all that which is beyond one’s reason. The very realm and heart of grief.
Of our four paths/roads - physical, intellectual, emotional , and spiritual - only the first two (physical and intellectual) one can directly control. Actions, reactions, and thoughts. Yet, through those, one influence all their paths, in which their values and convictions and feelings yet in turn further influence all paths. That is where peace lives, within that feedback, within one’s subconscious self.
When one gets all their four “cars” moving along at the same speed and all together on the paths, peace and contentment is found. It’s us learning to listen and speak with our deep self.
Grief is a journey. And it will be complete on its timeline, and not one second earlier. We do (control) what we can. Focus on self, go to work, get out of bed, GAL, and so on; leaving and allowing our subconscious to churn away.
Yep, time is a gift. I think embracing DBing inevitably brings a life transition. You are wise to take time and not rush it.
Hope you have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
