Cali, It sounds like a real dilemma on your hands. As you have stated - you won't disturb the peace that your kids have with the both of you home. (I briefly re-read your posts and couldn't find the ages of your children so maybe they are little?). However - I think you are rightly frustrated with your H. From your posts - he's not really showing up. He's so consumed with his own thoughts and needs - he has very little space for yours.
I'm all for communication. Truly. But at some point - people also need to be engaged with their partner's life. I personally am not someone who needs to be told what my partner's needs are with regards to the "day to day". I pay attention and try to fill the void. If she has a busy week - I take over a bigger percentage of the chores, pets, etc. And then - I initiate with her to see if she needs anything else that I may be missing. I don't wait to be told what to do and I think sometimes this whole "a partner can't read your mind" reason covers the fact that a partner will not participate in the relationship. That they do not prioritize their partner.
I want to be very careful here on this site because it helped me alot through my rough times. I am RL friends with some of the people still and I will always be grateful for the part they played in my healing. That being said, sometimes I think people jump to label their spouse in an "MLC" too quickly. Nowadays - almost every newcomer ends up saying my "my spouse is in an MLC". In some ways - I think this is to soften the blow. Like puberty - MLC becomes a phase that eventually the spouse will "grow out of". Or "wake up from". And the LBS translates that to waiting and being patient.
But most of the LBS women who come to this board - have already BEEN patient. They have put up with bad behavior from their H for a long time. Which leads to question if it is indeed an MLC. Because it isn't a "switch turned off" - it's actually something that's been in the making for many years. Women who have given too much. They have put themselves on the backburner. They have lost themselves in being the "spouse" or the "mom" and have forgot to just be "them". And when the H still needs that validation (that has been an impossible cup for the wife to fill) - The H goes outside the marriage.
That's not a crisis. That's a ego problem with the H... and honestly the last thing it needs... is more patience.
Honestly - I don't know if your H is in an MLC or if it he has always in some ways shown your this character. At this point - I'm not sure it matters. You have been in this dance a VERY long time. And for now - this is who he is...
... and from the bleacher seat - you seem just over it. It's not what you NEED. You NEED someone who can see you. Someone who has the capacity to get out of his own shame stop overthinking/oversharing - and just put your first for the time being.
It doesn't matter if it's trauma or an MLC or insecurities or whatever the reason is... you NEED change. And you NEED it at a pace differently than what H is currently providing.
And that's okay. This NEED doesn't have to be done w/o your H.
But I do think this inner turmoil you consistently have.. will continue to speak (louder and louder). Because this is what Caligirl NEEDS. Not what she "wants". It's not something that can be compromised or negotiated.
When we compromise our NEEDS - it creates a self-betrayal and we stop living with inner peace.
You can't ignore your NEEDS forever. And I'm not saying you haven't taken MANY MANY steps in the right direction... but there is something still not being met. And only you can say (and accept) what that is.
((Caligirl))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
