You know the drill...

[DnJ]

Good Morning Dyn

You are receiving some top shelf feedback from folks here who have been through the wringer and have much hard-earned wisdom.

Now I am only looking control what I can control. But yes, figuring out what is OUTSIDE my control is another thing...

Control is a difficult thing. Well, actually letting go of trying to control what we do not, and cannot, is the difficult thing.

One only has direct control of three things: Their thoughts, actions, and reactions. Anything else is only varying degrees of influence.

I don't want this continued dead marriage, no effort, sad situation. It's affecting the kids.

What can you control, and therefore change for the better, in all of this? You.

Healing a marriage is going to time. And purposeful effort. Make changes for deep sincere reasons, for then those changes will have a much better chance at becoming permanent. By the way, it is going to take time for W to believe in your changes for she will think it just manipulation, trying to win her back.

I get that forcing her back isn't the way. But how to wake her up, get her unstuck? She can't be happy living like this.

You are correct, forcing her will not work.

How to wake her up, get her unstuck? You cannot. You don’t control her. However, you control you. You grow, become better. You give her time and space.

How you exert your control of you, will influence W and others. Be it significant or minimal, positive or negative, or even neutral, is out of your control. People do see others and take from them as they will. Being consistent helps.

She needs to come to her choices on her time. She has to walk her path, just as much as you need to walk your’s.

How to wake her up, get her unstuck? Divorce Busting will give you your best chance at this goal and at saving your marriage.

Yes, W is likely not happy living like she is. Is it because of you? Maybe a part of it. So fix you and what you can. The rest of her unhappiness is just that - her’s. You cannot fix what you didn’t break.

Time and space are your two biggest allies here. W needs both to get through what she is going through. And she is on her timeline, not your’s.

So some of the logistics of our sitch.

I gave lots of space from DB on.
maybe 10-15 R talks in 6 months (including those around BD and EA). I know we say no R talk but this doesn't seem like much.
No sex since before BD.
I have started some light touching as it felt natural the last few days.
Day to day we rarely text, we don't speak much except for logistics, kids are always there, she goes to D's room at D's bedtime. I try to ask about her day but mostly get short replies.
W has not returned to IC since Christmas.
W seems to think we will co-parent like this indefinitely.
Stuff gets done at home. We are both proactive enough to keep things ticking over.
There isn't much future planning going on. Not a great way to run a family...
I'm trying to match her energy, maybe leading/approaching slightly more but not easy when nothing's coming back.
I'm listening, making eye contact. Not much eye contact coming back.

W has got a bit more secretive on social media lately but she will leave her phone unlocked and leave the room. I tend not to snoop. Recently her and friends went for a night out. It was strange that I didn't see any of them posting pictures.

So I guess this seems like me obsessing over her still.

I see things clearly at times and then feel confused again. Maybe I'm grasping too much. Maybe confusion is ok. It just isn't comfortable for me. Is this too comfortable for her?

Time and space. I understand that to you 10-15 R-talks over 6 months sounds insignificant. To her, another “talk” every 12 days just keeps pushing her towards the door. You need to back off, way off.

Time for W is different than for you. You’ve stated she exhibits and has affirmed she is stressed, depressed, and confused. Folks lost in depression get stuck, mulling over stuff in their heads. They need to. Those R-talks pull her out of her needed mulling and somewhat restarts her clock again. Keep doing that and she will feel more and more resentment/blame towards you.

The board would also say to not initiate conversation however to engage and validate WHEN she does want to share.

Not initiating I understand if there is an active A but even in our sitch where I'm hoping to recover and just be myself and try to present some sort of normality for the kids?

Yes! Keep initiating conversation to a minimum. Let her bring up stuff as she wants to. Then only listen and validate her feelings when she shares them. You do not push your agenda, or dump your feelings out.

I know. Totally unfair. The LBS having to do the lion’s share. Here’s the thing. W’s emotions are cranked to eleven and she has no bandwidth for you or anyone else’s feelings.

This is for “serious” conversation, like R-talks. You can, and should, be kind and cordial. Pressure-free. You can invite her to go out with you and the kids to a family activity. You can ask her to pass the milk; how was diner; if she’d like to watch a show; etc. Kind, cordial, and pressure-free.

Part of my nice guy recovery is actually stating my feelings, needs, wants and not suppressing them. HOWEVER, the more I learn about Ws people pleasing tendencies, I realise I have to be careful that she isn't going along, suppressing her own needs/wants. I need to find better ways of communicating and listening. I don't want to slide back on expressing my own feelings but I should look to do it in a way that doesn't compromise W's healing from her own people pleasing.

I do need to keep in mind that It shouldn't matter whether you are DBing or MLCing. The same rules should apply to both spouses.

I’m not quite sure what you mean by the rules should be applied to both.

The LBS usually is working on self improvements. Having received a jolting life-altering wake-up call. And will therefore heal and grow before their spouse.

The WW, WAS, MLCer, etc is on their path. Their improvements are on a different timeline. Some have come to things/realizations before dropping the bomb, and others will discover/heal far from now. It’s beyond the LBS’ control.

…I should look to do it in a way that doesn't compromise W's healing from her own people pleasing.

Yes, stating your feelings, needs, and wants is important. Start small, with friends and family. Thus not overloading W and allowing her time and space.

It’s important not to walk on eggshells around W, while being genuine and pressure-free.

Focus on you and the kids. GAL. Give time and space. Validate and listen when W offers.

Hope you have a great day.

D