You know the drill...

[Dynamiq]

Interesting. And what do you think you are seeing?

I've been reading through another webpage, which has a large section on Control. Actually some of the detachment material on this forum comes from the same section. It's going to take me some time but related to control is 'idealism' 'the need to fix', that struck a chord with me. I'll post more when I've figured it all out. I'm not a quick learner and I have more to read through on that.

You sound quite full of yourself.

I'm ok with this. I know my W never liked it when I was indecisive. Being more confident and decisive is a 180 for me. I've seen on some threads where the LBS will analyse all decisions and get lots of advice (some of it conflicting) ahead of time. I'm not going to do that.

I'm trying to read and internalise all the advice here so I can hopefully DB without thinking too much or getting too analytical. I'm trying to get to where it is natural. That's why I'll post what I've done and why - so I can get a course correction or some feedback on where I'm being stupid.

And TBH - disrespectful to us.

Not my intention.

You always seem to have a reason to excuse your choices or behaviors.

So let me reason and excuse why I'm doing this - haha - I'm in a self analytical place at the moment. I'm trying to heal from an attachment that has caused me a great deal of pain. I'm trying to figure out where I have failed in my marriage. I am trying to figure out how I was blind to a lot of things going on in my own life. I'm trying to get to the childhood issues I have carried into my adult life and that have brought me to this moment. The best way I know how to get through this is to dig into the WHY of all these things. That way I might figure out if it's something I need/want to change and is there anything I can do about it.

I am giving as much space as I can within the constraints of a situation where we live together, eat together, manage a house/family together. All under the watchful eyes of 3 young and impressionable children.

This is not helpful if you indeed want to save your marriage... which I don't not quite sure you do.

I'm trying to let go of the attachment to this outcome. I know it's not in my control to save the marriage and I actually don't know if I want to save it. I can only do my part and then see where things end up.

Perhaps you just want things back to the way they were.

No, I'm a different person now and I don't like everything about how I was showing up in recent years.

Going back won't work. For W or for me.

I am wrestling with the idea that my expectations for what a marriage should be might not be realistic (back to the 'idealism' idea above) and I might need to recalibrate...