Still detaching and embracing my new normal

[MamaG]

As usual DnJ, lots of good advice. You're a wise man.

Do nothing for at least one week. It’s impossible to unring a bell. Let your emotions settle before you make any major decisions. As you settle, you’ll likely find that need/want to do something will fade.

Yes, there will be a rising of extreme emotions. Temporary emotions. They will expectedly be reinforced for a spell, while you grieve (anger, bargaining, depression) and find acceptance of this new information. And then, those strong feelings will lessen.

In the moment, I wanted to blast this new information everywhere. I know better. And, you were in my thoughts....24 to 48 hours. I fought the rational thoughts and sent the text to H. Not sure that I regret it - truth darts are needed and overdue. I've been so un-engaged. Uninvolved. Non-confrontational. In the dark. In that moment, I didn't want that anymore. I wanted to scream from the rooftop to tell everyone. Validation seeking.

Two days later and already I feel lighter emotions.

What were/are your predetermined actions if H violated your boundary?

This made me pause. In my mind, it is clear what I meant but as I reflect on the words, I really wasn't clear. Still, these are low expectations of a H and still, he couldn't come through.

As I remember, my words were and have been, "Have you done something that would put you in jail? Have you cheated on me? If not, then we'll figure it out."

To me, the message is clear. And, unnecessarily stated. Still, here we are. And now I need to sit still in my thoughts and flush it out. Am I ready to dissolve my marriage? Thanks to this group, I know I can make it without H. It's my babies. My adult babies. Both of which continue to hold onto the idea of their family.

“re-forgiving the man I once knew.” - It’s likely the newer alien version of H you’re trying to forgive. Good old H, is/was just that. Good. 32 years of goodness likely does not require forgiving.

I forgave him 2/2023 when he had lied to me that he'd been eating edibles for 2 years and failed to tell me.
I forgave him 2/2023 when he said he cheated on me and then took it back (happens to be with the same OW of today). Was he in limerence then and this whole time? Thoughts?
I forgave him 9/2023 when he needed space because I was controlling.
I forgave him 9/2023 when he wanted a divorce because he'll never make lists; he'll never plan a vacation.
I forgave him 9/2023 when he re-wrote history.
I forgave him 10/2023 when he needed to house hunt and expedite a divorce due to irreconcilable differences.
I forgave him 10/2023 when he told me that if he stayed with me, he'd end his life.
I forgave him 12/2023 when he left our home and then kept coming around.
I forgave him 1/2024 when he wanted to talk everyday but never called.
I forgave him 2/2024 when he wanted to come for dinners 2x a week but then he was too tired from long days.

Then I learn about MLC and I continue to forgive him, through a different view.

I forgave him 2/2024 when I had breast cancer removed and he came to take care of me only to fall asleep on the couch and then asked me for water since I was up anyway.
I forgave him 3/2024 when he would come to the house and napped on the couch because he couldn't sleep at home, but then ran home to do laundry.
I forgave him 3/2024 when he told me that he was going to talk to OW and to others who have recently divorced to see if that's what he wants.
I forgave him 5/2024 when he went to the OW's home town for mother's day.
I forgave him 7/2024 when he went to SC for a concert with her.
I forgave him over and over again when he called their relationship a friendship. It's been a ride of many bumps and bruises. Lots of tears. Lots of forgiveness.

And now a romantic grand gesture for his friend...

At some point, his MLC behaviors outperform the good 'ole years. Is that where I am? I'll give it a week or two.

Don’t tell the kids. And let H do the heavy lifting.

Will he ever? What will it look like if my kids find out from someone else? Or run into him? Their little hearts shouldn't have to endure that.

Today, I made an update that informed my H via an auto text (from the cell phone company) that the billing address has been updated. I've been paying for the 4 cell phones. Not anymore. He can pick up that tab now.

Dropped off the tax file without his house info. He can drop it off at the accountant's. I don't need to be the middle person.

He has crossed a line. The bold flashy line that I have highlighted often enough for him to not have crossed it. I'm a different person. My outlook has changed. Findings on 2/15/25 are the straw that may have just broken the camel's back.