Still detaching and embracing my new normal

[DnJ]

Hello MG

Is divorce what I want?
Do I file bc the avoidant never will?
Do I tell our adult kids?

Do nothing for at least one week. It’s impossible to unring a bell. Let your emotions settle before you make any major decisions. As you settle, you’ll likely find that need/want to do something will fade.

It took two years. H has broken me down.

I know it hurts. (((Hugs)))

You will get through this. Honest.

What we stood for is no longer.

Now, you discover what you stand for.

MG, H’s actions/behaviours do not dictate your’s. The moment just before you found out about H’s affair you were on a certain path, in a certain direction. So, what changed? I mean, what really changes for you. For your growth and life.

We've been getting hit with various bouts of snow over the last couple weeks. Shoveling continues to serve as a gym pass. It's been cold; colder than most Jan/Feb. High heating bills consume side-conversations. Today, I'm grateful for the physical strength I've been graced with while I sooth the emotional side. It's been a day.

It's been a bit since I've stopped in. I don't share much about what I don't need help with and I find myself journaling here when I need a shoulder to cry on or when I'm in need of support.

GALing continues strong. I spent an hour wrapping a number of gifts for several upcoming celebrations - remember my family celebrates EVERYTHING. It's a wonderful thing. Work remains busy and a great outlet. Dog1 and dog2 are a great comfort and have been showing up in many ways. You'll see why as you read through my update.

Yes, there will be a rising of extreme emotions. Temporary emotions. They will expectedly be reinforced for a spell, while you grieve (anger, bargaining, depression) and find acceptance of this new information. And then, those strong feelings will lessen.

H’s behaviour does not determine your path. You do. You control you. Thoughts. Actions. Reactions.

Give H to the man upstairs. Let Him work on H for a time. You get back to you.

(By the way, it’s super cold here too! And a stupid amount of snow! This morning it was -32C with around a -45C windchill. It’s being blowing so much lately. I clear the lane, and a day later, snow and wind and the drive is full again. Ten days in a row! Five times, over a foot of snow to clear! Brrrr. Really looking forward to spring. )

I communicated 2 simple boundaries. Stay out of jail. Do not step outside our marriage. Apparently, I asked for too much.

What were/are your predetermined actions if H violated your boundary?

I now focus on re-forgiving the man I once knew. Love H. Forgive the sin. This, this may take forever. I hope I can get there. For me.

An excellent and most worthy goal, IMHO.

Some “hopefully” helpful clarity for you.

“re-forgiving the man I once knew.” - It’s likely the newer alien version of H you’re trying to forgive. Good old H, is/was just that. Good. 32 years of goodness likely does not require forgiving.

“Love H. Forgive the sin.” - Absolutely. You forgive the deeds. The actions. The transgressions. The sins. Not “directly” the person; not the soul. The soul is God’s bailiwick.

“Love H. Forgive the sin.” - Like you wrote, two separate things. Loving H doesn’t necessitate liking him or more precisely his behaviour. It’s like a general love of your fellow man. And can be more of that old love as well, though “old love” is not a requisite for forgiveness.

I quickly screenshotted, cropped and sent part of 1 of the emails, including the arrangement and the delivery address. Yup - not my address....

M: Did she like them?
M: Are you going to tell the kids or should I?
H: crickets....

Drop the rope. Fully. Fully, drop the rope.

Yep, drop the rope. Or be dragged.

Let H feel what it’s like to be separated/divorced.

My two cents: Don’t tell the kids. And let H do the heavy lifting.

You got this.

D