Val, I took a few days to think and read more about your post on control. I am taking my own growth seriously. I also read back through your own early posts. I just skimmed, didn't have time for it all. I read that control was an issue in your M so I see why you're getting out the big stick.

Thanks for sticking around so long to help us newbies out.

Was/am I a dictating tyrant? No.
Was I a nice guy doormat for 8 years? No.
(Nice Guy Syndrome can mean different things for different people. I might post later on that.)
The truth as always is somewhere in between.

Thinking about this particular issue of the trip. This is to our holiday some so dates are easy to change. Me mentioning that I'll miss the kids if I am away for 9 or 10 nights instead of 5 is progress for me. Before I would have said nothing and possibly got resentful. Maybe the next stage of my journey will be getting to the point where I'm OK being away from the kids for longer periods. For now, I guess I still haven't given up on the idea of family holidays. W in this case decided herself to change the dates, without me asking. Knowing i would miss the kids and showing some empathy for me.

Why did this trip trigger me? 2 reasons I think.
1. I must have an abandonment/loneliness/rejection wound. I guess that's why I'm posting here trying to keep my marriage and family together. Probably most of us here have some sort of abandonment issue.
2. My lowest point last year wasn't actually BD1 or BD2. It was before that. On my birthday when affair fog wife took herself and kids away to holiday home. She asked what I wanted for birthday, I just said spending time family (im not big on material things). She left me at home knowing I had made some commitments and couldn't go. That was a real low point for me. Rejected and alone on my birthday. Still a trigger.

That was when I started my journey, looking inside, trying to figure out why I was allowing my marriage to drift apart.

In general, yes I have an issue with needing to be right and good. A need to hide flaws and appear perfect. Control comes into this too. I know this is from childhood patterns and I've been addressing these.

Part of my nice guy recovery is actually stating my feelings, needs, wants and not suppressing them. HOWEVER, the more I learn about Ws people pleasing tendencies, I realise I have to be careful that she isn't going along, suppressing her own needs/wants. I need to find better ways of communicating and listening. I don't want to slide back on expressing my own feelings but I should look to do it in a way that doesn't compromise W's healing from her own people pleasing.

I do need to keep in mind that It shouldn't matter whether you are DBing or MLCing. The same rules should apply to both spouses.

GAL activities this weekend, exercise, home improvements, meeting friends. Got given some last minute tickets to gig that my friend couldn't attend. Cooked for my family and had a friend join us. Got a haircut and heard that my barber has an even crazier sitch than mine happening in his M.

Also, Valentines... I wrote a lighthearted little poem about wife (nothing romantic) and left it out for her to find along with some things for a nice breakfast and I left for work. She didn't acknowledge. I didn't expect her to and didn't expect anything to come of it. I did it more for the kids. So they would see how to treat their S someday and how they should expect to be treated. I know you all will say it was a mistake or not DB. Whatever. I'm not going to be the guy sitting here asking Internet strangers for advice before I make every choice in my life. I think thats a bad habit to get into and a bit too 'Nice Guy'. I do however welcome my perspective being challenged. I'm posting here to find out where I'm wrong.


Me M42
W38
T14
M8
S6 S4 D2
BD (INLY) SEP2024
BD2 (EA) OCT2024