You know the drill...

[Valeska19]

Boat is right on.

When I first posted to you - you admitted that you were controlling before retreating and saying "well not that much".

But based on your this post - it's very much true. You want to control the situation. BD was 6 months ago... and you're already tired. You want to give up. You want your way.

To me - you want to stay the same. You say how and when things are done. Well then you can't expect different results.

Like Boat said she's either impaired OR you have hurt her deeply. You are just automatically assuming the 1st in all of your posts. Will you even consider the 2nd? That perhaps - your need to control every aspect of your marriage and how she did things MIGHT actually lead her to not want to be married to you anymore?

It's difficult. You can be doing so well for a few days then something can knock you back. In this case it is W planning time away with the children with a lady friend and not with me. I didn't react. I responded that I was planning a work trip around the same time and didn't want to be away from the kids the extra few days. W was ok about it and said she would move her date.

So you are allowed to take off on a trip but not her... based off of reasons that are "acceptable" to you". What about the kids. Perhaps they would have liked the trip? Did you consider them in your "need" to be close to them

I don't want another spring/summer of W taking kids away on separate trips. It was like this last year... "I'll go with my mum" or "it'll give you time to do work at the house". In reality it was to create distance in the relationship.

You have no control over this.

I don't want this continued dead marriage, no effort, sad situation. It's affecting the kids.

Interesting - perhaps she feels the same.

I get that forcing her back isn't the way. But how to wake her up, get her unstuck? She can't be happy living like this.

So some of the logistics of our sitch.
I gave lots of space from DB on.
maybe 10-15 R talks in 6 months (including those around BD and EA). I know we say no R talk but this doesn't seem like much.
No sex since before BD.
I have started some light touching as it felt natural the last few days.
Day to day we rarely text, we don't speak much except for logistics, kids are always there, she goes to D's room at D's bedtime. I try to ask about her day but mostly get short replies.
W has not returned to IC since Christmas.
W seems to think we will co-parent like this indefinitely.
Stuff gets done at home. We are both proactive enough to keep things ticking over.
There isn't much future planning going on. Not a great way to run a family...
I'm trying to match her energy, maybe leading/approaching slightly more but not easy when nothing's coming back.
I'm listening, making eye contact. Not much eye contact coming back.

10-15 R talks isn't space.
My guess is that she isn't initiating $ex. The board would also most likely tell you not to if she did.
The board would also say to not initiate conversation however to engage and validate WHEN she does want to share.

W has got a bit more secretive on social media lately but she will leave her phone unlocked and leave the room. I tend not to snoop. Recently her and friends went for a night out. It was strange that I didn't see any of them posting pictures.

So I guess this seems like me obsessing over her still.

I see things clearly at times and then feel confused again. Maybe I'm grasping too much. Maybe confusion is ok. It just isn't comfortable for me. Is this too comfortable for her?

Remind me again. what am i wrong about?

You won't be honest with yourself. I personally don't see anywhere in your posts that you are a nice guy who has been walked all over the last 8 years of your marriage. I see a guy who judges her wife and resents her for things that absolutely has NOTHING to do with you. You seek to blame her verse understand her. It's your way or no way.

And I'm not sure you're ready to admit all of that.