Still detaching and embracing my new normal

[Valeska19]

Hey MG,
I'm a little tired. I moved from LA back to east coast so these past few weeks have been hell on earth. But I wanted to respond to you quickly.

I can understand the flip flopping between liking the 1.0 and the 2.0. Change is hard and often one feels alot worse before they feel better. My last therapist was like - "the change you need to make to put yourself first is going to make your feel like sh!t... and for a good solid year. "

Man she was right... and I'm still not of the woods yet but choosing myself has gotten easier.

It seems to me that MG is a very kind and loving person. Very understanding of her partner - has a ton of space to allow her partner to both grow and fail. However a marriage is give and take... and when your a partner continually takes, like your H, this is when those once loving behaviors turn into enabling ones.

For example:

M: GM! I'm getting ready to drop off our taxes file. When would be a good time for you to drop off your info? Let me know what works for you.
H: Gm! What info do you need?
M: The accountant will need..... LMK when you can get them to me. (I find myself annoyed that he has no idea was is needed.)
H: Ok I'll look for them. Today and tomorrow are no good for me. X's bachelor party this weekend. Nothing big just going to Y.
M: When do you think you can have it so I can make an appt? Have a good time this weekend.
H: I'll look for the stuff hopefully Monday. After work. Work has been crazy lately. I've been working anywhere between 9-14 hr days. (He worked 30 hour weeks when H lived at home. I'm getting tempted to hold up the mirror.)
M: Those are long days. Hope you're getting a chance to recharge.
H: Only on the weekends. (Didn't expect a response...hmm...shall I continue?)
M: It sounds like you're putting a lot into work right now. How do you feel about the balance between your long hours and your personal time of the weekends? (Don't expect a response as the mirror will provide for discomfort. And, we have no expectations on this site.)
H: Not enough time off.
M: Your W2 income from last year is a reflection of all the long hours you're putting in. With all that time invested, do you feel like you're getting the balance you want, both in terms of time and your financial situation?

To me - this is MG 1.0.

1. You are still engaging too much with H.
2. Quit being so d@mn understanding. It's enables him to not put in the work.

Have you ever thought about you settling the deadline. Here is how an MG 2.0 conversation could go.

" Hi H. I set an appointment with our accountant for x date. Could you please have all of your info to me by y date?

If it is a reasonable amount of time - say two or three weeks from now - that would be plenty of time.

If he pushes back - you could say

"Sorry this the time that works best for accountant and me. You are welcome to set up an appointment instead and I can give you my files if you prefer"

(And no MG - you can't give me an excuse that you as for why YOU should be the one to do this work instead - he's a grown man... he can do it.)

And... then no extended talk after that. Remember - he has fired you as his w. He doesn't get to the same access.


If he says he's working he's working too much. You can say

"I totally understand - that's why I'm giving you as much notice as I can. Let me know when you'd like to schedule a time to drop off the paperwork. Thank you."

Yes your H will not like his changed behavior. He could do anything from thinking something is wrong to having a full negative effect. Let him.

He is choosing NOT to do life with you. Let him. Fully. I know it's hard. Painful. But it's the truth. The more you can make choices towards accepting it - the less you keep asking questions that have no answer and do not matter.

As you said you are two years in. Let go. It's okay. It's not giving up. It's accepting what is today. Tomorrow may be different - but all we have is the present so we should base our decisions off of that.

You got this 2.0. You are worthy of respect and love.