Still detaching and embracing my new normal

[MamaG]

Hello everyone!

We've been getting hit with various bouts of snow over the last couple weeks. Shoveling continues to serve as a gym pass. It's been cold; colder than most Jan/Feb. High heating bills consume side-conversations. Today, I'm grateful for the physical strength I've been graced with while I sooth the emotional side. It's been a day.

It's been a bit since I've stopped in. I don't share much about what I don't need help with and I find myself journaling here when I need a shoulder to cry on or when I'm in need of support.

GALing continues strong. I spent an hour wrapping a number of gifts for several upcoming celebrations - remember my family celebrates EVERYTHING. It's a wonderful thing. Work remains busy and a great outlet. Dog1 and dog2 are a great comfort and have been showing up in many ways. You'll see why as you read through my update.

To Me - This is you being uncomfortable with MG 2.0. It's a process to set boundaries and its quite painful to change a behavior that serves you well. You're pattern is a little bit 2 steps forward/ 1 step back. You had some really good detachment and then you crumbled. It's normal but realize this is more about changing a dance than anything else.

I re-read the first half of the Divorce Remedy book. Started reading the Shut-out wife and need to go back to Divorce Remedy. I'm dusting these books off because limbo has been a crucible and I've been having thoughts about throwing in the towel.

I like(d) MG 1.0. Still, I'm focusing on MG2.0...I convince myself to dig deeper. It's harder than I thought. I continue to show up for myself.

Sure - intimacy matters... but in this case - true love is letting H hit rock bottom. He is not a teenager that needs reminding. He's a grown man that needs to figure out his sh!t. Try to see him that way.

Coming up on 2 years has been a journey. While 2 years is a drop in the bucket compared to others on this site, it feels like an eternity. I still suspect he hit rock bottom in Aug 2024. Maybe not...How would I know?

Let's be honest. You have ONLY really tried Mama 1.0. You have spend your marriage + 1.5 years post BD catering to that man. You have only really been trying to detach for less than 6 months. Consider that... YEARS of an old dynamic versus months of a new one with a few roadblocks. Maybe spend more time w/ option 2 before you decide it hasn't "worked"

I feel this...If nothing else, I convince myself to embrace MG2.0 to respect myself.

Knowing that a number of business interactions are forthcoming, I am looking to decide on how engaging or not I should be...

I waited to reach out for tax info. Knowing that it would take weeks after making the request for H to come through, I needed to send the text I didn't want to send. I asked myself why I didn't want to send H a text and pondered for a while. I landed on a few reasons.
- NC ensures I won't behave like MG1.0. This tells me I still hope.
- Giving H space. It's been 5-weeks since our last interaction, when H stopped over for a coat. This makes me question hope.
- And as I have journaled...

I need to be better at staying muted...I cease the moments and go too far.

I prepared myself for the interaction and felt myself not wanting to text H. I thought through what could come my way? What do I say? Reminding myself to provide no emotions.

A year ago, I looked forward to texting H to fulfill the craving to share in an interaction. This is a change. Today, I have to talk myself into sending H a text to take care of business stuff.

I realize that H may not even realize it's tax season. This is one more thing I am responsible for. And, another reminder to self of how much I contributed to our life. How little responsibility H had through the years.

These moments. These thoughts. They linger and take me down disturbing paths. Valeska hears that I'm still grieving. I am. I'm still grieving. Today, I'm awakened to...

Exactly what do I want from H?
Why do I want H?
Wait, do I want H?
What value did H bring to our lives?
How can it be that I miss H? What do I actually miss?
Do I miss H or am I lonely?

Would I be better off with someone else? Someone who shows up. Someone who wants to be here. Someone who behaves like an adult. Someone who supports. Someone who can sooth the emotional side.

I am thankful for physical, intellectual and spiritual strengths. Emotionally, I'm still a hot mess. We weren't put on earth to live life alone.

It's my responsibility to take care of my emotions of sadness/grief. I could get through this season with greater ease if I were to share my life with someone. Talking with H wouldn't be dreaded, but we don't share a life. We hold transactions. That's what our R has come to. That's not emotionally satisfying.

So why are you so determined to do the same thing yet expecting different results?

You can be kind, yet not be physical with your H.

You can be compassionate, yet hold him to the consequences of his actions.

I'm tired. I too tired to even consider holding him to consequences. I've learned (or tell myself) that H doesn't deserve me. I didn't think I'd get here, but today's reality is that I hope and stand more for my kids and family more than I do for myself and our R. I'll always love H. I'm not sure I want H. Is my ego getting the better of me? Am i feeling the crucible limbo?

The saying is "the person has to be sick and tired of being sick and tired".

This comment was about H more than me. Still, I can tell you that I'm sick and tired. Recently, I'm sick and tired of who H is and his capabilities and his lacking contributions. Shoveling snow came with some curse words unlike a few weeks back. Perhaps I'm cycling as we LBSes do.

Translated to your H. The pain of the consequences of being Avoidant needs to be GREATER than the act of being avoidant - if that makes sense. So as long as you come in and "fix" or "nudge" - your husband will NOT change.

Did I try to fix/nudge or did I hold up a mirror to hold him to the consequences of his actions?

M: GM! I'm getting ready to drop off our taxes file. When would be a good time for you to drop off your info? Let me know what works for you.
H: Gm! What info do you need?
M: The accountant will need..... LMK when you can get them to me. (I find myself annoyed that he has no idea was is needed.)
H: Ok I'll look for them. Today and tomorrow are no good for me. X's bachelor party this weekend. Nothing big just going to Y.
M: When do you think you can have it so I can make an appt? Have a good time this weekend.
H: I'll look for the stuff hopefully Monday. After work. Work has been crazy lately. I've been working anywhere between 9-14 hr days. (He worked 30 hour weeks when H lived at home. I'm getting tempted to hold up the mirror.)
M: Those are long days. Hope you're getting a chance to recharge.
H: Only on the weekends. (Didn't expect a response...hmm...shall I continue?)
M: It sounds like you're putting a lot into work right now. How do you feel about the balance between your long hours and your personal time of the weekends? (Don't expect a response as the mirror will provide for discomfort. And, we have no expectations on this site.)
H: Not enough time off.
M: Your W2 income from last year is a reflection of all the long hours you're putting in. With all that time invested, do you feel like you're getting the balance you want, both in terms of time and your financial situation?

I get a call from D an hour later. Dad was just here. She gives me a rundown and we learn that within 5 minutes of my last text about the W2 income, H reached out to her and stopped by to give her a gift from his trip. A gift that he know she'd like - thoughtful.

D: Dad is different. He even asked me for a hug this time. I wasn't going to.
M: That's nice. Glad your relationship is turning for the better.
D: Ya, it's still all about him though, mom. I even brought up things in my life without him asking to see if we could talk about me for a bit. He still didn't ask anything.
M: So why do you think he's different?
D: He's making an effort to see me and share. Last year, he wouldn't have shared anything. All of his stories were about him on the trip saving the day.
M: Dad takes pride in working smarter and not harder. He loves to help. Acts of service is his love language.
D: I didn't feed into his stories. I just let him talk while I carried on with what I was doing. I'm glad he's going out with his friends tonight for the bachelor party. I think he needs a little fun.
M: Yes, I'm happy for him, too.
D: Dad's coming around. He's trying to connect with me. And, I almost got sucked in but stopped myself from telling him that S is traveling on business again.
M: I'm proud of you for seeing things for what they are and accepting the season. I love you girl!

In summary, she calls to say that H shared many stories about his trip - all of which painted him as a hero. A man who saved the day. "It's a good thing I was there."

Thanks for listening. Off to a family event. Hope everyone is enjoying the weekend.