Good for you not engaging in her obvious digs; letting her comments just wash over you. Our spouse knows us best, and knows what buttons to push. Knows how to get their hooks into us. You remaining calm, not taking her bait, likely turned the tables on her. Made her think. She didn’t get the usually response from you.
The thing about this is that I've always had an even temper, I very rarely react with anger or 'rise to the bait'. Maybe that would be a 180 for me, to show a bit more 'heat' and emotion.
Thanks to Grok's link to FightingFit I found a great old thread with a very similar Limbo situation to mine...
Now, I haven't read to the end so I'm not sure how the sitch eventually played out. The OP of this thread seems to have spent a long time (years) analysing his wife's actions, posting a lot and not getting a life or standing up for himself as much as he should from what I see.
The real value in the thread is in the replies, the debates and the tips on attraction, forgiveness, detachment, friendliness, seduction, assertiveness.
It is helping me tie up all the advice I've been getting here, in IC, from friends, from other sources. There are so many conflicts in my mind that are now starting to dissolve into glimpses of clarity...
Detachment vs being a friend vs attraction and seduction. Patience vs assertiveness. GAL vs be the lighthouse. Do 180s vs finding your true self.
There is a path through that combines all these elements. It takes time to see it. It comes slowly. Reading what others have gone through, reading all the advice, reading books etc gives us a head start. It moves us more quickly than we could by just muddling through alone. It gives hope in times where we might just give up. It challenges our biases and blind spots. It gives an insight into our S where they are unable or unwilling to enlighten us themselves.
Reading these posts is so interesting and some great insights are there to be found but it also has to be balanced with quiet time alone to process the info and find one's own way. It's too easy to get lost in analysis thinking there is an answer to be found if we just look hard enough. I have been guilty of this since I am quite an analytical person, a fixer. A truth that I know in theory but still need to internalise is that only 50% of this situation is mine to fix. There is another 50% that is out of my control.
Also, there is only so much time in the day and all the time reading and posting here and elsewhere is time that isn't spent GALing. These things need to be balanced too...
My IC is also advising patience, friendship, to relax and stop strategizing so much or worrying about tactics. To just take the pressure off myself and approach the situation honestly. To shelve my need to see accountability, remorse etc for now. Those things will come in time if there is to be an R. I think my need/want for these things has been a blockage to me getting on with what I need to do to make an R possible. This will be the difficult part for me.
What we learn in DB is a lot of tactics, that gets us through the first weeks/months after BD. I think ultimately the goal needs to be recentering, finding our true, best selves and then going forward without needing all the 'tactics'. It then becomes second nature. This is the real work - finding our own path so we can proceed with true confidence and integrity.
