Good for you not engaging in her obvious digs; letting her comments just wash over you. Our spouse knows us best, and knows what buttons to push. Knows how to get their hooks into us. You remaining calm, not taking her bait, likely turned the tables on her. Made her think. She didn’t get the usually response from you.
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
I suppose with this at home limbo it's just difficult to know what I'm supposed to be doing. If there was an obvious ongoing affair or she moved out it would be clear. I get that she's in crisis of some kind but I don't see that as an excuse for treating me the way she is. I just feel like giving her very little of my time and attention, like she is doing to me. I'm getting no help in healing from her so I feel I have enough on my plate. Attraction and respect are low or non existant should I not just show her that I'm ready to move on?
True, her crisis is not an excuse for treating you like she is. Her emotional turmoil is a reason for her treatment. That does not exonerate her behaviour, just somewhat explains it.
Likewise, her treatment of you is not an excuse for you to behave poorly. Consider your vows, the part of in sickness and in health. W is ill. Do you stand? Or do you run?
Embrace limbo. Dig into yourself. Find you. Become the best version of you. For you! Dynamiq2.0. A man only a fool would leave.
You cannot control W from doing something foolish. You only control you.
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
I feel closer to ending things myself at the moment. You might then ask why am I here. I suppose because some of the better advice I've seen is here. I'm confused and don't know if the situation can be turned around.
I do want to save my marriage and keep my family together but not at the cost of my happiness and mental health.
Detachment is when you are no longer uncontrollably drag around by her words or behaviour. The key here being “uncontrollably”. You will still feel, yet you can exert influence and affect those feelings.
After detachment comes indifference. A temporary period of numbness towards one’s spouse. Note: Temporary. It will feel like that numbness is forever, will last forever. Like all feelings, it is fleeting. The numbness does fade and one’s feelings do return.
So, a caution. During indifference be aware that other feelings will loom much larger than they really are against the void of one’s “indifferent” love. Make no major decision during this period which are predicated upon your feelings or lack thereof.
Indifference is an excellent time to find one’s self. To do that so very important inner work. Indifference silences the cacophony of our spouse-induced feelings. One can really dig in sans distraction. Make the most of that fleeting time.
Realize happiness comes from within. Of course, so does unhappiness. And joy, elation, and so on. You are your well-spring.
Most folks never get thrust upon this path. For those willing to embrace DB, embrace their inner work, this is a golden opportunity.
DB may not save your marriage; after all W does have a say in that. However, embracing DB will save you!
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
Time and patience is one thing but I will soon have to see some progress from W. I had a timeline for reevaluating in mind. I see no reason not to assert what I want and expect from a marriage. Why shouldnt I? We need to get unstuck.
Pressure. Too much will push her right out the door.
Timelines. W, and her crisis, is not on your timeline. Embrace limbo. Embrace hope.
Hope is timeless. A timeline places an end point, a deadline, upon things. A deadline does just that - makes hope dead.
During all this, you don’t sit around waiting for W. No pinning away. Find thyself. Heal thyself. Become Dynamiq2.0.
Live and love your life. Love your kids. Do activities with them. Do activities by yourself. Invite W along on family events. Live your best life, and let W run to catch up, if she chooses to.
You cannot force her. And you likely wouldn’t want a spouse who was forced anyhow.
Figure out your boundaries against disrespectful behaviour, don’t walk on eggshells, be kind and cordial. That’s how you embrace limbo. You choose to.
In my opinion, the best way to assert in a relationship, demonstrate it. Live it. And let them follow your lead. Actions vs words.
You can’t talk your way out of something you acted your way into.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
