Good to see you digging into yourself. Getting a handle on your values and what you want in life.
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
W is going to take the kids to dinner at a family member this weekend. I'm invited but I'm going to phone ahead and make my apologies. The thought of 3 hrs in the car with W doesn't really appeal to me right now. I get the feeling W doesn't want me to go and a small part of me would go and be my super charming self just to annoy her but that would be petty. I have lots of 'me stuff' to work on instead...
My two cents: you should go. Embrace family time. Lead by example. Be the lighthouse. Act as if.
You are correct, definitely do not be petty and purposely annoy W.
I’d also change your viewpoint and projected dreading the three hour car ride with W. We do make our fate. Small behaviours are picked up and alter things. When you have pre-decided that the car ride will be bad, your mind will make it that way.
What you say, and predict, it’s powerful. Your mind is always listening and will craft your reality just as you are asking it to. Flip your preconception. Dial those expectations to zero. For unmet expectations lead to resentments. Even unmet “negative” expectations.
Instead, you control you. Go into this car ride as three hours with your kids and W. Not something full of dread and what might be. Make it what you want. Like your inner work. What do you want in life? Spending time with your kids is likely high on that list. Being Dad. So do it. Not try, do. There is no try.
Your mindset, a strong mindset, can and will influence plenty. If W starts some crap in the car ride, ignore it. Like dog training, ignore the negative and reward the positive. You only control you, yet do not short change your ability to influence. Especially the atmosphere of a car ride.
Besides, a few car games, signing to music, will make the time fly by. And touches on your inner work priorities: Friends, family, music, connection, commitment, travel.
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
How does one apologize, and make it clear that it is my personal choice not to attend without letting them know that it's because of difficulties in the marriage?
Yes, it is your personal choice. Yet to me, I think you’d be going if your marriage wasn’t having difficulties. Hence, my suggestion to go.
Be genuine and sincere and honest with everyone and above all, yourself.
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
Also, what about inviting friends over to the house while living with a miserable, shut down wife?
Same thing, zero your expectations. You are expecting W to behave/respond a certain way.
My suggestion, ask/tell her you are having/planning on having some friends over on whatever night. Invite her to attend. See what her response is. She may perk up, she may be mad, or whatever. Who knows. Don’t walk on eggshells. See her response and roll with it.
Be kind and see where her head is at. Like a roommate. They don’t have veto power, yet you don’t go out of your way to bug them.
Have no expectations. Allow yourself to be surprised. Going into things with a different outlook usually crafts a different outcome. Of course sometimes it may not. However, it is guaranteed not to when we start out looking to make it that way.
That’s a pretty good inner value to adopt, IMHO.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
