I want to second what Kind says above. You've got to become so good that others (including W) can ignore it. And, nor for them or her - but for yourself. To practice solid self-care. Improve your own well-being. As Kind suggests, R2C reminds us often about what it takes to be an attractive person to others. It doesn't involve being cold, critical, or mean. It does involve a realization that you have faults to address (for your own well-being), strengths to build upon (for your own well-being), friends and family who likely enjoy time with you, a job or trade that hopefully fuels your sense of purpose and/or meaning. Use the gift of time you're being given in "limbo" to apply the guidance you read out here. Prioritize 2-3 things that resonate with you...things you know in the back of your mind you should be working on and let that replace some focus on your W and D. I can tell it is creating anxiety for you and from experience encourage you to put that energy to positive use for yourself. Please trust me and others in suggesting it is better than engaging your W in the ways she's trying to engage you.
I have a week on my own at the moment. She has taken the children to see family, feels really weird to not constantly look after others. Plus I am on much-needed holidays after several months that have been very intense at work.
I am abroad with family myself, so taking lots of time to meet family and friends. Next week I have another trip to one of the French wine regions to stock up. I have been working on my hobby which I neglected for years and am looking to build up a nice wine cellar. Need to save up for next year to go to one of the Italian regions that I love and stock up there as well.
Work has been good as well despite being intense. I have been working with a mentor to act as a sounding board, which has been quite helpful as well. Your points on 2-3 things to work on are well-made. I have some projects in mind, but will also think hard which behavioural traits I want to change.
I will give some thought to your point on the ways in which my wife is trying to engage me. I have been trying to take out negative interaction, in particular when she gets emotional. However, last week she did bring up something professional she is thinking about which would have implications on me (including a potential move). I did explain to her that she does need to think about what she wants - if she does want to separate, that will mean splitting assets and her needing to get a full time job (she is thinking that I will keep paying for everything).
Not a discussion that I wanted to have during my holidays. I did side-step any conflict during two similar conversations in previous days, when I just listened to her.
Hi I see this has been inactive for a while. I'd love to hear how this has been going since the last post LB. Such a similar situation to mine, just a few months ahead...
I was on a good way and our relationship had markedly improved. Giving her time and space, listening to her, starting to do small things together.
Then I did something stupid and confronted her on something not necessary at that point. Am now back on the edge. Ended up with her being further away and feeling entitled to do whatever she wants. Which I hope she will not take too far…complacency is not helpful on this journey. Think carefully what you do and why. And when it is not necessary - just let it be…
I’d like to ask you LB23 - what was it you confronted her about?
I may be over-analysing, but I still see the underlying theme I wrote about on your thread last time.
You confronted her about something (I assume something she did?), and now she’s flipped the table and your relationship is again teetering precariously?
Is your fear reaction to this latest development reasonable? It’s not okay that you confront your wife about something, and then because she doesn’t like it, she holds a metaphorical gun to your head and you come back here remorseful and your marriage is “back on the edge”.
In fact, the language you used “back on the edge” implies she controls everything. Like you’re a pawn on her chess board. It also suggests you have to comply and do everything right (and not confront her about conversations where she should be accountable), otherwise she’ll punish you.
I may be reading too much into this, but it’s starting to sound to me like there’s a really messed up dynamic here where she rewards you if you do what she says like a love sick puppy dog, and there’s threats and manipulation if you don’t or if she feels at all like she has to be accountable.
I’m not too proud to admit I was exactly like you a few years ago. Early on in my marriage, I was contacted by someone with screen shots showing my wife was talking to other men. When I asked her, she blankly denied (and said “your false accusations will end up ruining our marriage”). Eventually, when presented with screen shots, she said “you made me do this because I didn’t feel loved.”
Any time it subsequently came up (such as at marriage counselling), she would threaten me, go quiet, hold me at arm’s length - and I’d be mopping up the pieces of my “mistake” to desperately try and keep my family together.
She was making me feel like our marriage was falling apart by raising something she did. Manipulation 101. While I think the word gaslighting is over-used far too much, that’s absolutely what was going on - and what I think she’s doing to you.
You really need to ask yourself if this is the type of person you want to be with.
What is SHE doing to repair the marriage? What has she admitted to? What is she working on?
From the cheap seats, this is going to get much worse before it gets better.
Look there is something to what you are saying. However, I had worked hard on my side on addressing things that I thought were worth addressing. And giving her space.
Now I did confront her on something that I did not need to at this moment, and made the mistake of framing it with a kind of ultimatum. Which I know does not work with her, and following through on this is not really a current option given some tough life choices that are coming up (not related to our relationship).
So I am now going to back off and withdraw. She has now taken off her rings, which is a way of showing she wants to be free from me or whatever
Please know that I provide this perspective from a place of kindness and to help you. It may come across as harsh.
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… and made the mistake of framing it with a kind of ultimatum.
Yep, well lesson learned. They never respond to threats. Good on you for recognising this and owning it 👍
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So I am now going to back off and withdraw.
Backing off with ultimatums - yes.
But “withdrawing”? You’re giving her exactly what she wants. Would you give your dog a treat if it pi**ed on the carpet? You’re rewarding her crap behaviour. There’s something seriously wrong with this dynamic where you are being a doormat. Women are never attracted to men they don’t respect. While you might think that withdrawing and doing exactly what she says and not challenging her behaviour gets you closer to your goal of reconciliation, it actually moves you further away. You’re just cementing the divorce, because she will see a weak man she can walk all over.
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She has now taken off her rings, which is a way of showing she wants to be free from me or whatever smirk
That’s garden variety manipulation. Others might call it intimidation or coercion.
Are you currently seeing a professional therapist or counsellor (just for you)?
