Grief and Gratitude, Grok - (A) Rise

[grok]

D17 => D18 Yesterday! We did our celebration last Friday…before she left for a gymnastics meet over the weekend and I left on work travel n Monday.


”Don’t wish it were easier. Wish you were better. “
Rollo Tomassi -The Rational Male-


…things further remembered from that last talk by XW

You are a GOOD man. I told the kids that. Not that I talk about you to them. I don’t.

People that know me all think this is so out of character for me. But ….. “reasons”

I know you take a while to process so I don’t need answers right now but ….

I’ve been praying for ….


XW dealings notes - Holidays through the last “talk.”

Through the holidays, XW was substantially absent except for taking the kids a few times on activities with her parents. Though still coming over most evenings for “goodnight” for 5 or 10 minutes in her car.

The grandparents gifted the kids and her with FL season tickets to Universal Studios theme parks this year. When the kids were young, they would gift our family with season Disney tickets. XW did take S13 and D17 for a half day so far. The kids are asking me to get a pass myself so they can go with me. I think I should, though budget is a concern.

On New Year’s Day, XW announced in one go in the group chat (all 5 of us) that:

- She would be picking up S13 at 9am each week day, other than the co-op school day.
- She would be keeping his school books with her
- D17 can come and go mostly when she wants
- She will be about 10 minutes away
- S13 will be returned when she picks up or drops off D17 for gymnastics
- The shop is at address *******
- She will be staying in the RV for personal reasons
- Co-op school payments are due
- Does she have my permission to take S13 to a dental procedure?
- Then it will be time for his braces
- D17 will have a college dual enrollment bill

G, ”Yes, sounds like a good plan for school and teeth. I will have S13 ready to go at 9am. I will pay the school bills.”

In the following days in the group chat (most of the messages are sendtwhile I’m at work and do not have access to my phone so D19 responds)-

XW - D17 or Dad will have to take you to this gymnastics meet (with a picture of a schedule, no other context)
D19 - Dad and I will work it out

XW - I will be taking things set aside for me in the house to my rental space (small industrial space she apparently rented for her craft business…more than half the garage and a 5x5 foot space in the house are stacked with her stuff she abandoned)

XW - I’m busy on Tuesday nights and someone else has to pick up D17
D19 - We will get her

XW - D17 and I need a hotel in **** on **** for her gymnastics meet. I am ok paying if you are uncomfortable.
G - Check your email to make sure the details are correct.
(I use points accumulated from business travel to pay for hotels needed for gymnastics meets. I’m looking at is as I’m paying for D17’s stay. It’s the same no matter who accompanies her. It turned out her coach drove her to the meet. She stayed with the coach the first night. XW drove up the next day and stayed overnight. XW was busy with her business plans.)

XW - sends videos of each event. D17 won 1st place in all around in her level!
G - Celebration and trophy emojis.

A few direct messages had to do with money. Alimony, payment of school items and medical things. I have used a simple reply referencing our legal settlement. Keeping it to business.
G, ”As agreed. Payment for ****”

preparing for this week

I had been prepping for work travel this week. I'll be gone four nights. I let XW know. No expectations. I set up the kids to handle it by themselves.

Saturday morning I went shopping with D19 after taking her to get bloodwork done at a lab. (oh, that's another story as she begins to assume responsibility for her own adult medical care…). Despite helping with a lot of things Mom used to do, she is still a child. ”Daaaaad, you have to come with me. Dr.s are SCARY!!”. She decided it would help us all if she did more meal planning and asked me to buy a set of planned meal containers. OK! We spent Sunday afternoon cooking meals for the week.

G, ”D19, you mother may stay here while I’m gone. It’s up to her. As part of our signed agreement, she can stay here when I am traveling for work.”
D19 pauses and thinks, ”That’s fine. D17 and S13 do whatever they want when she is here though. She tries to keep to your rules, she does, but those two do stuff and she doesn’t stop them.”
G, thinking, do not accuse or put XW down, ”I know D19. We can only control our own choices. I will call and talk to them each day. Your mother … She …. has made choices and behaves …. very different than …. *sigh* … many … years before.”
D19, with bitter sarcasm, ”Ya Think!?”
O! G stops talking.

It FEELS like XW mostly stopped parenting two+ years ago.

Some time back, D19 had several confrontations with XW. As told by D19, D19 would get things done with her siblings and direct them even with her mom present ... and then XW told her later to stop undercutting her authority as Mom. ”I am still their mother you know.”. D19 came to me later distressed ... "I have to do these things because Mom sure isn't doing them anymore. She just lets everything go.”

So … how’d I do?

g

The Lost Ones - Florrie

We are flawed and we're afraid
Of a past that we couldn't change
And the dreams that we didn't chase
Have been and gone
And all this weight is put on us
Expectations we couldn't touch
When the best wasn't good enough
We kept moving on, mm-mm
…
And all the nights that you felt alone
With the people you didn't know
And the places you didn't go faded so fast
You're escaping the memories
And making peace with the enemy
'Cause you know right where you wanna be

We're the lost ones, yeah, it's a jungle, yeah
Our thorns are buried deep, but we see beauty in our dreams
And we're broken, yeah, but we're hopeful, yeah
To find our remedy, we see beauty in our dreams