Welcome to the boards. I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. I remember well how horrid the pain is. (((Hugs)))
At the end of this post I’ve pasted the Welcoming post. It is full of valuable links to a trove of useful information. Really good reading for you.
Speaking of reading, do you have a copy of Michele Weiner-Davis’ book, Divorce Remedy? I recommend reading it cover to cover. A few times. One always discovers more and more wisdom/understanding during subsequent reads.
Also, another bit of important wisdom:
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Your H does sound like he is in some significant emotional turmoil. Be it a full blown midlife crisis or more a very hard life transition, remains to be seen. Either way, your H is on a terrible ride. One you (thankfully) were not invited along for.
Divorce Busting, DB, and its techniques are very counterintuitive. It will feel wrong. Go against your default reactions. That’s perfect normal for those starting out. In time, DBing becomes less counterintuitive and more who you are.
Originally Posted by LetsHope
He says he has no hope in life, is always in pain and just angry at everything. I have been handling this all wrong and fear he’s been pushed too too far away now.
Breathe. Just breathe. It’s ok.
Give time and space. You will hear a lot of this.
H’s journey is emotionally driven. He is being consumed/driven by unrealized, unrecognized, unreconciled past pains and traumas. He truly doesn’t know what is wrong or bothering him. His emotions are just full of pains and feelings he doesn’t understand.
The seeds of a crisis were planted long ago. The youngster suffered a highly significant trauma by someone in a position of authority. This pain/trauma is so significant that their young mind cannot handle it, and with no one helping them (or actively covering it up, blaming them) the youngster buries it. And that which is buried alive will come back and haunt.
Around midlife, 40-60, your H being 37 is kind of young yet not ruled out. A crisis does not have strict age rules, nor rules of who can and cannot succumb. Anyone can have a crisis! Those seeds are unknown to the person!
Anyhow, around midlife pressure and mortality and such start stirring up those old buried ghosts. Slowly, over the course of 18-24 months before bomb drop the MLCer descends. Their appearance usually changes to a younger style. Their behaviours alter. They become more irritable, short tempered, sad, mad, etc. They live in a deep unhappiness. Eventually kaboom! Bomb drop. They announce some version of ILYBNILWY.
Give time and space.
Pressure just pushes these consumed folks quicker out the door. So no relationship talks! Realize H feels he needs to run, to escape. And he will mow down anything or anyone that gets in his path.
Remember, his journey is emotionally driven. He will act upon his feelings. He will not employ much logic or reason. Trying to reason with him will not work. Pleading, begging, etc. grate upon his frazzled emotions.
Give time and space.
Originally Posted by LetsHope
I couldn’t figure out why I am suddenly his enemy, and he yells and throws things. This is a stranger.
Absolutely. A MLCer becomes the opposite of who they once were. They are twisted and dragged back to the time of their torments/traumas. To the time of when they were emotionally stunted. This is path of a crisis: for the person to grow up. It is a terrible horrible path. And I pray your H is not in crisis. Time will tell.
However, once one has entered their crisis - and it is “their” crisis; their burden; their pain; their path - once they have entered their crisis they must finish it. A crisis cannot be sped up. There are no shortcuts. And any good intended interventions usually will end up delaying things. At best it would be neutral, and at worst it will stall the crisis completely.
One of the most difficult lessons for the left behind spouse:
You didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him.
The quicker you let go and give H to God, the quicker he can walk his path.
It’s also for you. Let go, or be dragged.
Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself.
As for why you are suddenly his enemy.
H is lost. His world is topsy turvy. His emotions are a hot mess and he has no idea as to why. He is unhappy all the time. For months and months he has suffered this ceaseless torment. Insufferable joyless ceaseless torment.
Then he looks around and sees you. H very much incorrectly assigns all this upon you. To him, it must be you, for he literally does not recall those “seeds”. He also cannot accept his past. It is so horrible to have our once loving spouse turn upon us, blame us, for that which we have no hand it.
Time and space. H needs to burn through his feelings. And no amount of you professing your innocence or pointing out his mis-assigned blaming of you will change his mind. In fact, it will do the opposite. Realize how torment he is. H cannot be wrong. He simply cannot handle it right now. He will expend incredible energies into crafting and justifying his narrative.
H has a target painted on you. Do not engage in baited arguments, for H does need to resupply his anger when he starts to run low. And you are his primary target.
Be kind and cordial. Yet don’t walk on eggshells. For a crisis, nothing you do matters, and yet everything you do does.
The idea here is, someday H realizes that “hey, LetsHope hasn’t been bugging me for a while, and I’m still unhappy. Hmmm. Maybe it’s not her fault.” Then with some good fortune H might start to look inward.
Not going to sugar coat this. The timelines of a crisis are long. Very very long. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
So, what do you do during all this? Focus on you and the girls!
Rekindle old hobbies, things you use to love. Do family stuff with the kids. Games, vacations, movies, etc. See good friends. See family. And so on. Live and love your life!
I know, believe me, I know how steep that road is. However, you can do it.
Anyhow, I’ll wrap this up here as it’s getting pretty late. Do post often. Vent. Ask any questions you have. This is a safe place. And the folks here are most kind and have a wealth of hard-earned wisdom.
I look forward to conversing with you.
DnJ
- - - -
Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
