Translated to your H. The pain of the consequences of being Avoidant needs to be GREATER than the act of being avoidant - if that makes sense. So as long as you come in and "fix" or "nudge" - your husband will NOT change. Why? Because you are blocking the pain meant for him. Instead - you are that is left feeling unappreciated in lonely.
Originally Posted by Valeska
I agree that you are not forgettable. AND fixing comes from a place of control. Control usually means we fear something or we judge something... so there is a little exercise where you "drill down" on the answers to get to the heart of the issue. Ask yourself something at least 5 times.
Originally Posted by MamaG
How am I ever to reconcile with H if I do not ever see him?
Originally Posted by Valeska
If I don't see him - I am fearful H will forget about me and not want to reconcile.
This is what I suspect you'd like me to dig into. Apply the 5 Why's. Sounds like you know the answer that I'm going to look for. I have the water and the tissues.
Rose-colored glasses came off some time ago. I am aware that I was needy for attention, affection and equal contributions. It was a cycle. Avoidant brought out anxious and anxious brought out avoidant.
I don't air my issues but I have a good idea of what they are and where the stem from: childhood. I believe, I've done this work. You'll tell me if you had something else in mind.
-I fear being ignored, abandoned, neglected. It hurt when he withdrew or didn't show up in a conversation. I didn't feel important enough to resolve conflicts. -I seek constant validation and reassurance. It hurt when H wouldn't meet my emotional needs. And, I remember my H telling me 20 years ago that I would fake cry. "No one cries over that." As a kid, I was the oldest and younger brother was the favorite. Idolized even. -I jump into fixer mode if someone voices a concern or vents. Fixing problems gave me purpose. Made me feel important. It also made me feel like I was carrying more than 75% of the weight.
I can come up with a laundry list of what H brought to the table - plenty of pros and cons. To focus on the cons (for the 5-Why exercise), I'll start with emotionally unavailable.
I think I need to fix my husband's emotional unavailability. W1: Conversations feel one-sided; empty. W2: Because I feel disconnected from him; I don't know what he's thinking/feeling. W3: Because when H didn't talk through it with me, I couldn't calm my nervous system on my own. W4: Because growing up, feelings weren't necessary. Opinions weren't necessary. I did as I was told and that made me feel alone. I wanted something different for my family (A different dance.) W5: Because I want to feel secure and valued in a relationship, and fixing his emotional unavailability feels like the path to calming my nervous system.
