Still detaching and embracing my new normal

[Valeska19]

After thinking about this one, I wonder if you're being kind to me.

After thinking about this one, I wonder if you're being TOO kind to me.

Ha. I try to be. Directness sometimes can seem unkind but that is never my intention.

I did have a sense that the PI was a bit of a powerplay - but tbh - its more important that you come to conclusions on your own vs. me just telling you. That would have never worked.

DAs are a tough breed. I've managed to live with H avoiding conflict and although I didn't love it, H isn't perfect and I could continue to manage. Certainly, I'd prefer that H didn't run from conflict and emotions. I'm not convinced that DAs do the work necessary to not be dismissive. To not run. Yes, I believe he'll need nudging to make amends. The depression, financial fall, apathy, aches/pains are unsurmountable. I'm not sure how he hasn't hit rock bottom. So, does this bring me back to patience? MLCers hover over rock bottom and I need to be patient?

This paragraph presents a bit of a conundrum. The problem with you being patient is that as long as your H continues in his avoidant behavior - you will be waiting for a long LONG time. Avoidant behavior can be worked on... but no one works on something until they are ready. Usually that requires loss and pain.. right? The saying is "the person has to be sick and tired of being sick and tired".

Translated to your H. The pain of the consequences of being Avoidant needs to be GREATER than the act of being avoidant - if that makes sense. So as long as you come in and "fix" or "nudge" - your husband will NOT change. Why? Because you are blocking the pain meant for him. Instead - you are that is left feeling unappreciated in lonely.

You are literally absorbing all the pain instead.

So if you really are able to "continue to manage" - that means NO CHANGE in your relationship. Are you sure that you are willing to be on the back burning for the rest of your life. Does that align with MamaG 2.0?

I don't think he'll forget about me. I'm not forgettable. smile As I read my question again, I hear impatient. I hear fixer onboard.

I agree that you are not forgettable. AND fixing comes from a place of control. Control usually means we fear something or we judge something... so there is a little exercise where you "drill down" on the answers to get to the heart of the issue. Ask yourself something at least 5 times.

1. I think I need to fix my h's (trait)

Why?

2. Because reason 1

Why?

3. Because reason 2

Why?

4. Because reason 3.

Keep at it until you run out of "reasons". The truth is a hard pill - make sure you grab water... and tissues.


My example was that my partner was willing to take advantage of me. It didn't matter if it was fear based, trauma based. It didn't matter if she cared about me or even loved me - the fact was if presented with the opportunity to change or let Val take the hit... it was the second... every. single. time. And that scared me so much that I would fix and control everything so I wouldn't end up getting punched. And still.... I somehow got punched... because we don't actually have control over someone.

So my actions now protect me from taking the hit. I can be empathetic to her issues. I can be compassionate in my "no"... but it's still NO because I don't want to be punched any more. Whatever the reason. I don't control her - only myself in surrendering that she is currently who she is... therefore I must act accordingly.

I think that if you drill down - you too can find clarity in the midst of all the confusion you are feeling. You'll stop being so consumed by the "why" H does what he does and start to put focus on the facts. You'll understand the Real reason why you "fix" and then you can decide if you are ready to make the change. You too will have to get to a point where "you're sick and tired of being sick and tired".

Keep posting. Our ears are open.