Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with the kids and I don't mind doing chores at home. I also get to do a lot of more 'traditional manly stuff' outside of home and at work so I don't feel like I'm not a man. Maybe I seemed like I was keeping the finances under control but honestly my wife isn't great at saving or planning for the future and I don't feel sorry for that. Since I got a promotion and working on nmmng I'm takin a slightly more abundance mindset now.
Controlling is a bit strong for what I mean but I suppose having to be right, having to fix things, having to find the optimal way of doing things, it probably puts a bit of pressure on W that doesn't need to be there. Instead just give her praise for the great job she was doing.
I think I was trying to do too much sometimes, not taking enough time to have fun, show gratitude, not enough novelty and romance. Not enough planning fun things to do together.
With the stress and chaos of having kids, I think it got a bit like groundhog day for a while. Same stuff all the time. Later we weren't spending enough time together either.
Really I need to hear more from my wife about what her needs are. I don't think she is even aware of her needs all the time and doesn't state them too often.
It wasn't a bad marriage, not toxic or abusive, nothing that couldn't be fixed. Just better, more open, honest communication and protecting couple time more would really make a big difference I think. Realising we're on the same team.
Hmm... it sounds like controlling is the right word.
Dig deeper there - where does the need to "be right" "optimize things" come from? It can come from a place a judgement, fear... but ask yourself what the harm was with letting her take the lead. And ask yourself if it's something that's worth working on.
I can tell you that no adult, spouse, or colleague likes to be controlled. No one likes to someone who acts like "they have to be right". It makes them run in the opposite direction. Especially if it isn't warranted.
Did you ever let your wife try? Did you ever try an approach where she could learn to better with money?
There would be your 1st 180. Not saying to put yourself in any financial or emotional danger... but try letting things not be "optimal". Try praising her instead of assuming she can't or that she can't as well as you.
It may not feel natural... but this is definitely a learnable skill. One you could probably benefit to learn regardless of your marriage status.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
