Not giving up. I understand how difficult changing a dynamic is . With my current relationship - it was very one sided for awhile. I'm a natural giver - so takers love me. It's hard to know the difference sometimes.
I appreciate you, your investment in me, your time, your interest. I can feel it coming through in your responses. Thank you!
Originally Posted by Valeska
A person who has allowed her WAS to be needy needs to pull way back. A LBS who has been avoidant - needs to show up a little.
Correct me if I am wrong but I believe you are situation #1. You have been EVERYTHING to your H... that's why it'so uncomfortable for you both. He's always thinks you will be there. You believe that being loving to him is by being there.
Guilty! I have been everything to H. That is the truth. I recall reading about 180s in Divorce Remedy. Thanks for the callout, clarification and example in application. I've been so confused thinking it was different schools of thought. What you're saying is that you're customizing a recommendation based on my specifics. Got it. I'll be dusting the book off this weekend for a second read.
When you translate my confusion/questions to stmts, I can hear a similar message. I'll give you that. Still, I'm not convinced they fully reflect my thoughts or erase the question that lingers in my thoughts. Comparing my questions to your stmts was a good exercise.
Originally Posted by Valeska
If I don't see him - I am fearful H will forget about me and not want to reconcile.
I don't think he'll forget about me. I'm not forgettable. As I read my question again, I hear impatient. I hear fixer onboard.
Originally Posted by Valeska
I won't give him too much distance because I don't believe H will do the work to approach me.
DAs are a tough breed. I've managed to live with H avoiding conflict and although I didn't love it, H isn't perfect and I could continue to manage. Certainly, I'd prefer that H didn't run from conflict and emotions. I'm not convinced that DAs do the work necessary to not be dismissive. To not run. Yes, I believe he'll need nudging to make amends. The depression, financial fall, apathy, aches/pains are unsurmountable. I'm not sure how he hasn't hit rock bottom. So, does this bring me back to patience? MLCers hover over rock bottom and I need to be patient?
Originally Posted by Valeska
When I see H, My emotions (fear) take control. My WANT to comfort that part of me that fears losing him is greater than my NEED to respect myself.
After thinking about this one, I wonder if you're being kind to me. I suspect that I'm manipulating him bc I know PI is something we've always enjoyed. Neither of us has ever complained about that part of our R. I'm reverting to the same dance. I know what worked in our M and I'm using it.
Hmm. If that's true, how is that a bad game plan? Wait, it's the EA, isn't it? Cake eating. Not that I'm suggesting cake eating is the answer - I expect monogamy in my M. And, likely how you landed at 'respect myself'.
I'm seeing this one better now that I typed up a bunch of gibberish. This one is spot on.
Originally Posted by Valeska
(You may want something - but it will not destroy you. If you don't respect yourself - you will destroy yourself)
yup
I won't relive 2024. In 2025, I will support my kids. I will live a life I love. Do for myself. Refine MamaG 2.0 and let her shine.
MamaG 2.0 is here to stay.
Originally Posted by Valeska
MamaG 1.0 has always worried about her H's needs, wants, etc. more than her own. MamaG 1.0 has always believed in being kind and understanding of her H's pain. His avoidant behavior, his selfish needs.
Did all of you putting his needs above yours make him any more loyal to you?
Did you being so patience and understanding of his avoidant behavior actually bring him closer to you?
Did your constant reassurance stop him from looking for reassurance in someone else?
Me thinks not.
So why are you so determined to do the same thing yet expecting different results?
As I read my question again, I hear impatient. I hear fixer onboard. 
