You mentioned that you took over everything to alleviate stress. Perhaps that was part of the problem.
Men like to believe that women like to be taken care of? This is false. Women like to feel emotionally safe. This helps them feel like they can grow in the independence, in their needs and wants in life. It helps them take risks and believe in themselves.
The problem is that when you take away a person's opportunity to handle something for a LONG period of time... it' starts to dig away at these things. The person being taken care of starts to believe they are unable to do it on their own. Unable to handle stress, or conflict, or grow. They become stagnant. And you, the H, are no longer helping her. You are hurting her... and she begins to distance herself from that hurt.
So besides that point, how else did you behave as a H? Where would you consider yourself "falling short"?
Hi Valeska
This is what I have been coming to terms with the last while. It gets to the point where I'm thinking I do so much, I provide so much, why is it never enough?
Well maybe it's too much.
I got too involved with the parenting, housework and possibly a bit controlling. W and I both work so I have to help out but I guess there is a balance to be found that I stepped over. Also trying to 'fix' the way she does things sometimes. It's just my way of trying to make things easier if I see something that is causing extra work for no reason or if I think of a better way. My wife is very sensitive to criticism, even things that aren't meant as criticism will be taken as criticism so a lot of times I'll bite my tongue (and get resentful) when I see her causing herself extra work but hey I just need to learn to let her be more.
She isn't good at asking for help so I just do some stuff that needs done but when we are both in the house all the time, doing the same stuff, the masculine feminine polarity disappears.
It's the trap of the modern 50/50 equal relationship. Often the guy is damned if you help out and damned if you don't. Not that there weren't ever affairs when women stayed home and the guy worked. There have always been affairs. So I'm not beating myself up about it.
I gave up too much of myself to be a 'good' dad and husband, lost the spark, lost my sense of purpose and she maybe also lost her sense of purpose as well.
I'm trying to just relax and GAL now.
Not much opportunity to create emotional safety at the moment but I'm ready to listen if she opens up.
