Still detaching and embracing my new normal

[grok]

Hey MamaG,

on rambling

I've rambled. Nothing like Grok's organized and measured posts.

Well, not intentionally as such, though you ought to see the process of writing them down. I tend to think in concepts and connections...a train of thought from me ends up as disassociated concepts ... blurbs missing the 12 connections each that explain it. Then I have to go back and connect with things that would make sense to someone outside my head.

Still, I followed along just fine with your rambling. I think you end up with long form for the same reason I have. Important things are found in the "unknown unknowns or unknown knowns" expressed.

on listening

I can’t help but remember my husband saying that I don’t listen to him. I felt like I always listened. Perhaps this is how he feels and I never saw it.

I would do the slow roll, dig in, here. Man/Woman...we both send the message differently AND for different purposes...for the same feelings. The words and labels can confuse the issue.

I will illustrate a little with a classic Man mistake I've made in the past. Picture, I'm busy at my desk with a spreadsheet up on the main monitor. I have a tower defense game I'm playing on the secondary monitor as it only requires 10% of my attention. XW comes in to "talk." I say, "OK, go ahead and talk. I'm listening. You do have my attention, I'm just doing the other things in the background." And I am. 30% attention on the spreadsheet as it is mundane stuff. 10% on the tower defense game. 60% is given to what the XW is telling me about what went on during the day. I can answer her questions and repeat back just what she said. I give her my decision points where needed.

Did she FEEL listened to? I bet you can answer that question.

What was the underlying purpose of her talking to me? Why, how, and what was she looking for to feel listened to? I have the things I've learned in the last few years ... though I'd be interested in hearing your answer from the feminine perspective before giving mine.

I was operating in a typical male mode of communication. facts. decision trees. and so on. A typical outcome is something gets accomplished which makes a man feel good.

There certainly is a difference between hearing and listening and this is what I hear you point out. if you’re looking to call something else out, please clarify.

Yes, but several layers down from there...down in the differences between us.

Perhaps my son is sharing feelings in ways I’m not hearing.

More this. I suspect so. Or maybe doesn't know how to bridge that gap. He won't do so in female modes or for female reasons. Not unless he has been delving into relationship studies which address the Mars/Venus gap.

In the previously described video, the man later posted a follow up in which he described his W as wonderful and that she didn't mean anything by it. You can tell from the responses though...it touched a nerve with many men. He was sharing a deep feelings in a way she didn't hear at the time.

Hope you’re doing well.

Same and I'll give the DB stock answer "I'm doing surprisingly well!" It is true after all. And doesn't negate the "aftershocks" which continue in muted form.

g