Still detaching and embracing my new normal

[MamaG]

It's been cold. Grocery shopping and filling the gas tank required some bundling over the weekend. Changed dog foods and both Dog1 and Dog2 have had more energy. They seem more alert and more interested in play time. The family celebrated mom/dad's anniversary and now I sit on the couch with a cup a coffee, a blanket and two dogs as I cool down from shoveling 5 inches. A 1/2 mile driveway has it's benefits but not so much when it requires attention. Oof. That was a workout! Trump's inauguration events are underway in the background. Before I get to some additional household chores, I'll journal and provide an update on me. Valeska - thanks for your response and for not giving up on me. Not that I thought you would but I also realize that one can only 2x4 someone so many times for the same issues.

Overall I am not sure why you want to be battling against another woman. I'm sure it doesnt really feel good knowing that he is cake eating by having you both? Just curious on what your thought process is.

To answer this question right away...H has made strides to pull away from EA, but has not fully let go. Frankly, from my seat, EA has pulled away from him leaving H with no choice. Probably of little relevance but I believe EA has been in her own MLC for the last 4 years. My H is the OM2 for her. EA made it clear in July/Aug that their R wasn't going further. The trip they were both on (last 2 weeks) was booked in Mar/Apr when H was still in limerence.

With that out of the way, allow me to pour myself out in hopes that you (others) can tell me, "here's where the confusion lies" or "stop people pleasing bc you can't nice him back" or whatever other direction strikes you as you read through my confusion. Maybe it even sounds something like, let's give H some communication (a try) by entertaining superficial convos, but the risk you run is....

This forum focuses on dropping the rope. Don't respond to H and if I must, wait a day or 2. Leave him to his issues, bad decisions, emotions. I'll know when H has returned but until then don't ride the emotional rollercoaster.

Other views are to support reconciliation by showing compassion, patience, and a willingness to rebuild trust to create a path forward. Respond to texts showing grace and kindness so that H isn't afraid to reach out and trust me when he's ready. I may even argue that this forum is supportive of these sentiments too. I translate these to be more direct and possibly frequent than is recommended.

To Me - This is you being uncomfortable with MG 2.0. It's a process to set boundaries and its quite painful to change a behavior that serves you well. You're pattern is a little bit 2 steps forward/ 1 step back. You had some really good detachment and then you crumbled. It's normal but realize this is more about changing a dance than anything else.

Probable. Harder to see in my seat than yours but I respect your view. Reason for pause.

"Serves you well" is what I question. what I fight. what I am uncertain about.

Conflicting thoughts are still here...while I've gotten more comfortable with NC except for business items.
-How am I ever to reconcile with H if I do not ever see him?
-As a dismissive avoidant, the courage to approach me will diminish if H's fears don't resolve.
-If I don't see H, I am not easily shaken. But, in his presence, it's over. Still, I don't want to fully avoid him and I need to consider what I want too. Am I to avoid his presence for months, years, etc? that doesn't feel like the answer, yet H needs space. Oh the conflict.
-Then there are varying degrees of everyday actions/inactions. There is more than one school of thought on how to 'behave' in a spouse's midlife crisis. I've tried a couple approaches; neither has been fully successful. I get that when the time is right, it'll happen. Perhaps patience needs refining.
-Listening to stories of other LBS', I realize how mild my H's crisis is in comparison. This isn't intended to minimize what H may be contending with but what is clear is that H hasn't washed me away. What if WE could pave H a healthier path so that H can see the journey through with less pain? Is that not my obligation...'in sickness and in health'?

Oh MG. True love is definitely not going to be in the form of a kiss. Sure - intimacy matters... but in this case - true love is letting H hit rock bottom. He is not a teenager that needs reminding. He's a grown man that needs to figure out his sh!t. Try to see him that way.

I have spent the last year (found out about MLC in Feb 2023) focused in thought, on intelligence and with a firm resolution as I navigated my fears, emotions and household responsibilities. Some of these were easier to overcome than others.

I've learned that men (generally speaking) value intimacy differently than women. I never gave it mind space before the crisis. I am the 'general' woman. I crave the intimacy bc it makes me feel loved and connected. Even if love isn't what was being delivered, I'm human and asked for the hugs. Kisses. Him. What I am now aware of is that what I take away may not be what's being delivered. Am, I was ok with it in that moment. And then I returned to hope and NC.

Good for you! I'm glad your senses kicked back in...lol.

I was ok with what I asked for (for me) - a hug, a kiss. I got more than I asked for with the kiss. It took deliberate restraint on my end as H was ready to roll. I listened to myself and the furtherance didn't feel right and so I stopped it and he respected. I sensed a bit of rejection which I'm not overthinking....just sharing.

You are coming up on 2 years here... what would you like the next year of your life to look like?

I don't want to relive 2024. In 2025, I want to support my kids. I want to live a life I love. I want to reconnect with H. Do for myself. And, I want to begin sharing a life with H. The latter is what I can't control. Still, that's the truth and I ponder how to influence much against advice.

Putting me first sometimes comes with temptations for physical needs. The question I also face is whether I can live with dismissive avoidant traits and whether I can adjust my needy self in order to live a life that I enjoy. I know it isn't fully my choice but I somehow know (something tells me you'll challenge me) that I can play a role in H's return and that may mean that his return is still an imperfect H returning to an imperfect me. I'm not suggesting overlooking my needs, but rather considering whether a life with H would

I know I am strong and resilient. I have prepared for what I need to do while H addresses (or lives with) his emotional turmoil in 2024. I didn't break him and therefore can't fix him. Intellectually, I know this. Then, I get waves of what I call 'courage'. Is it courage or weakness if I consider ideas on how to resolve? Hold the hand. Nudge. Soften the depression pain.

I reason that if I overcome fear of rejection/failure while respecting his process will demonstrate strength and resolve. Perhaps hold his hand through the mental illness, the crisis.

Still...

Avoiding and not responding is standing still. And standing still is still standing. See the confusion in my world? Is it my 'laziness' from fear/excuses/avoidance justifying inaction? Is my laziness leading to stagnation, suffering and missed opportunities?

I'm glad you are going back to NC. It seems your H upped the dance - and got you to join. We all have done this at some point in our journey but is this the dance your want? Do you want to have a moment of intimacy followed by him going back to his old life?

Didn't see it as a dance. H is on his journey and it is evident that growth has taken place for both us as individuals. Not as a R. H hasn't texted/called/written/sent a pigeon since the hug/kiss.

If you ask me, H hit rock bottom in Aug 2024 and has been reflecting. And over the last 45 days has been reaching out to the kids quite a bit. While on his 2 week adventure, with EA, a close childhood friend (who has always behaved like a teenager) and 8 others who are near strangers to him, H texted the kids multiple times a day. Sending pics of the waves, sunrise, and himself. I believe his 'happy look' may or may not be a facade. What a change from 2024 while the kids heard less from him the entire year as compared to the last 2 weeks. No text to me despite the sought intimacy on the day H left. Is H realizing his losses in a deeper way? Is H reconnecting? Hindsight will be 20/20.

Depression continues to consume H and it's obvious that his actions don't match his words. In October he shared his reflections and voiced some faults he saw in himself. How do I leave him out to dry like he did to me? Tit for tat isn't my style...but I can predict you telling me to not see it as tit for tat. Rather it's protecting me. Respecting me.

H is moving along on his journey and has dipped many toes in depression/withdrawal. H is reconnecting. I want to be prepared and diligent. Deliberate.

I've had many wins along the journey in support of PIES growth. I love this for me. In the end, I feel a strong connection to H, our family unit and our future. I see the pain in his eyes. Also true is that H doesn't turn to me for support and I know he continues to turn to EA.

I've rambled. Nothing like Grok's organized and measured posts. Rambling is how I journal and allow myself to just write without self-criticism. Hope you can follow and clearly, it's unclear where my confusion and conflicts resolve.

Knowing that a number of business interactions are forthcoming, I am looking to decide on how engaging or not I should be...

MamaG 2.0