I guess I've been reading and obsessing too much. I see a lot of conflicting advice and it is hard to navigate through sometimes. Sandi's tips for dealing with a WW don't quite sit with the give space and time.
I think you may be talking about the balance of setting boundaries on wayward behavior but time and space for the WAS to work through everything. I set one of - it is not OK to be here in my home while actively romancing OM.
Why time and space? There are other distilled versions of this here but maybe this quote will help. Follow the link and read the whole thing:
Originally Posted by Accuray
You are correct that your W is sad and angry. She's angry at you, and she's angry at herself. ... If they are in that state of mind, can you see why pursuing them or having relationship talks is just totally hopeless? ... Everything you do right now is going to make her either more resentful, or less resentful. ... UNTIL she goes through both of those processes, she will not see you as anything other than she believes you to be based on her prior training. ... THAT is the beginning of your opportunity to turn things around, but you CANNOT control how long it will take her to process her anger and resentment, and you CANNOT accelerate it.
Buckle your seatbelt, its a marathon and you have to be patient and surrender to the fact that this relationship is NOT something you can control right now. ...
But I am starting to piece together all the info into a fairly good understanding of what's going on. I just don't know how much that helps.
It is useful to define what you mean. Help for what? specifically
It does help you grasp this truth =>
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
She's going to do whatever she wants to do.
Which means? .....
Related wisdom distilled here
- You work on you
- nothing that you can say or do to change this, yet everything that you say or do will change this
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
It just doesn't feel right having someone who has hurt me so much, continuing to stay and take advantage of everything I provide. Safety, security, outward look of a happy family. I do know she is hurting too and feels like a failure but if we get through this I want some level of self respect.
No, it isn't just or fair
So What?
What is your goal? What if to reach it requires GRACE? Unearned favor, a gift freely given, without any merit or deserving on the part of the recipient.
MWD talks about this a good bit. In her books/articles.
g
H:55 XW:50 D19, D18, S13 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
