Do I start to draw boundaries around her acting less like a single woman and more like a wife?
Do i wait it out and keep doing what I'm doing and she'll eventually open up?
Do I invite her to MC or is it too soon?
So is it back to the 37 rules? More space? More detachment? More GAL? More good husbandly leadership? Let time do its thing?
I just don't like the limbo.
She probably feels trapped, which is the thing that delays me on setting too many boundaries on what she should and shouldn't do. I don't think she is going anywhere too soon...
Breathe. Just breathe.
This is a marathon, not a sprint.
DBing is all quite counterintuitive, and it will feel wrong. At first, until you get the hang of it.
As job said, continue as you are. Listen to W, when she wishes to converse.
Give W plenty of time and space. And no pressure. The more you push, the faster she will head out the door.
There is no magic bullet here. She is presently sitting on the fence. Let her. Your interference, or trying to control, will likely push her off it. You need her to come back on to your side from her desire to. From her choice to.
Time and space.
As to some specific advice:
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
So I am at a bit of a decision point.
I know it feels like it. Realize you aren’t. And decisions made based upon feelings most often lead to regrets.
Doing nothing is doing something. Standing still is still standing.
You keep move forward. In your life. Focusing on you and your three kids.
Find detachment. This is the single best thing you can do for your emotional and mental health.
Do continue to invite W to family events. If she attends, or if she chooses not to, matters not. You and the kids go. Let W walk her path.
W needs to feel the loss before she will likely change direction or hop off that fence. As in, giving her time and space, and be pressure-free, in time she will ponder: “hmmm, Dyn hasn’t been bothering me for quite a while, yet I still feel unhappy and confused. Perhaps he isn’t the cause.” Then, with some luck, she will start to look inward. Less blaming you and more looking for actual causes/reasons.
You need to not get dragged into fights and bickering. Need to minimize the target she’d already painted upon you. Yet, do not walk on eggshells. Which brings:
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
Do I start to draw boundaries around her acting less like a single woman and more like a wife?
Like Mowgli said, boundaries are for you.
Boundaries are not punishment. Are not to fix the other person.
Boundaries are for your mental and emotional health. They are what you will do when W is disrespectful. As an example, “W, when you swear at me it is disrespectful, and I will leave the room.”
Boundaries are your action. W can do whatever she chooses.
And, do not make boundaries all Willy-nilly. Boundaries and their enforcement needs to be rock-solid. (Might be a good idea to run a boundary by the folks here before enacting it.)
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
Do i wait it out and keep doing what I'm doing and she'll eventually open up?
It’s not waiting around. You focus on what you can control. That’s you. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions.
You focus on you and the kids. You live and love your life.
Don’t sit pinning away waiting for her. Don’t sit upon the shelf. That doesn’t mean dating, or anything like that; keep your vows, and live your life. Be the lighthouse. (There is a really good Lighthouse post in the welcome post to you. Give it a solid read.)
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
Do I invite her to MC or is it too soon?
No MC. Too much pressure. She is nowhere ready to consider relationship stuff. In fact, and this is difficult, no relationship talks. For a good long while.
You control you. Get you side of the street in order. See a IC. Heal thyself.
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
So is it back to the 37 rules? More space? More detachment? More GAL? More good husbandly leadership? Let time do its thing?
It’s back to you. Focus on you. Let go. Less is more.
Originally Posted by Dynamiq
I just don't like the limbo.
I get it.
You are just starting out. Work on detachment. Work on letting go.
People feel like they have to do something, enact something, make some decisions. You don’t. And likely shouldn’t.
It is difficult to let go expectations. However, dial your expectations to zero. Unmet expectations lead to resentments. And resentments are poison to a relationship.
Make peace with your limbo. Choose it.
I hope this helps and I look forward to conversing with you.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
